Honey, I Want to Talk about

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

If you spoke to your wife/girlfriend and told them you wanted to improve your sex life:

  • Would they tell you they were happy with your performance and question your desire to seek help?
  • Do you have early or premature ejaculation and your wife/girlfriend says she doesn't mind.
  • Do you want to improve your sexual skills to make her happier? You want to learn how to last longer. She says there's nothing wrong.
  • Do you have the type of relationship where you can talk about anything, except sex?
  • Would you like to be able to enjoy 20 + minutes of foreplay and then 20 – 40 minutes of intercourse and have total control over your ejaculatory response, but are not sure your partner would support you in this?

As a marriage counselor and teacher of sexuality, I know that the above statements are more common then anyone wants to admit. The husband/boyfriend is not happy with their sexual performance; he loves his partner and wants to improve. The wife/girlfriend sees no problem and feels threatened. She will not attend a sex therapy session. She does not want her husband/boyfriend to seek help either. What is the seeking partner to do? Does the denying one really expect their partner to acquiesce? Will the feelings and problems go away or just be swept under the rug?

Did you enter your relationship with the intent to be honest, loving, and trustworthy? Are you being put in a double bind, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't? Either way, the seeker is the loser, causing the friction in the relationship by asking for sexual growth and education. Or worse they pretend it does not matter to them, which is being dishonest with onesself. Has the husband/boyfriend decided to seek help with or without the approval of their beloved? Perhaps they will not even broach the subject because they do not dare risk the emotional nightmare, punctuated with an adamant NO!

If you are at the beginning of your relationship and this is your reality I would say rock the boat now and speak what you have to. Establish honesty no matter what. If you are not willing to do this then read a book or take a class on assertion training. A great book is "The Way of The Superior Man" by David Deida. As a last resort, get out and start all over. But first establish for yourself the ground rules of how you choose to be in relationships and do not settle for less.

If you have been married a long time and have established a working, loving friendship and have no intention of leaving this wonderful person, you just wish you could work out the sex part, you have some serious decisions to make. I always recommend honesty, a good heart to heart talk about your sex life and be ready for a healing crises and make good agreements about sex education. What many men decide to do is seek help, improve their skills and be a better lover for their partner and never tell her. The choice is yours.


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Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C., Sexual Solutions. Ina is a marriage/relationship counselor resolving sexual problems, in private practice dealing with issues of erectile dysfunction, early or delayed ejaculation, loss of sex drive, aging, and teaching female ejaculation and non-orgasmic solutions. Mature men and women, you do not need to be without honest intimate touching. Resolve doubt and sexual insecurity, erectile dysfunction, premature or delayed ejaculation.


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