Index of Ina's Published Articles

These articles range in topic from relationship maintenance to sexual performance to spiritual sexuality to holidays and everything in between.

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Abused Husbands

Abused Husbands
The Untold Story
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Many of the articles I write come from my clients. I change a few key points to protect their privacy.

I have one client who has two lovely boys, one and five years old. His wife is alcoholic in full denial. She physically attacks him, chokes him and scratches his face, drawing blood. He came to see me because of early ejaculation, not a dysfunctional relationship.

This man is not a wimp. He is an ex-competitive martial artist. He cannot lay a finger on his wife even to defend himself or he will be going to jail. This man is no longer in the prime of his life and he is about 40 pounds overweight, making him a big guy.

He has left his home under physical attack from his wife, going to his next-door neighbors' house for them to witness his bloodied face. He has called the police, who thought he was the perpetrator till they saw her ranting and raving and his bloody face and suggested he have her arrested. He thought it would be too traumatic for his children. Wrong. Living with a raging mother is traumatic.

His oldest boy will come running out of his bedroom yelling mommy mommy stop hitting daddy, and begins hitting his mommy, trying and get her to stop hitting his father. My client tells his little boy not to hit his mother, that it is not right and he leaves to stop the cycle. His neighbors gave him an open door policy anytime he needs to escape.

This man has a booming franchise business and supports his wife and children in a beautiful large home. He does not want to lose his children or his home; they used to love each other.

He has found bottles of booze hidden in the laundry, in an upstairs bedroom, bathroom, in the kitchen, den and even found her passed out on their bed asleep in her own vomit. He videotaped this.

They have stopped being sexual. He has no desire to be intimate with her. He prefers to masturbate. When he finally does have sex with her he has early ejaculation. Of course this could happen due to the long stretches between having intercourse and wanting to get it over with.

Early ejaculation was a minor problem compared to the physical abuse and irrational behavior of his wife. I recommended he get a lawyer. Too much damage had already been done to him and his children. The children were already establishing a pattern of seeing physical abuse. Physical abuse gets passed down from one generation to another. The contamination and violence had already infiltrated the mind, body and heart of these children especially the eldest. How were these young boys going to relate to future girlfriends and lovers?

This man found out through active surrogacy work that he could get an erection and maintain it for 45 minutes. More importantly he realized he had a responsibility to protect his sons and himself. To secure a safe home and get a good lawyer.

When an alcoholic is in denial they have to hit bottom, lose everything then maybe they will deal with their disease.

The Beauty of Relationship

The Beauty of Relationship
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.
The ultimate contract between two persons in a lover relationship is one of mutual benefit and welfare. We select people who are absolutely appropriate at any given moment, because they reflect what we are not accepting in ourselves. So here is the higher, often times unspoken agreement you both have made, the "Intimacy Agreement" to bare it all: to stand open and naked in front of the other, while together accepting the burden of mutual benefit and welfare. Naked means more than without clothes: it is to share your strengths and weaknesses, your fears and insecurities. It is to share your dreams and joys, the things you are proud of and the things you wish you could erase from your memory. This is done from free will, as an individual autonomous being, choosing the mirror reflection of a lover, being honest and asking for honesty.

It is difficult to create mutual benefit and welfare when you do not know how you can support your partner, because you have not talked with them. You think everything is going along just fine, but you haven't a clue. Neither of you is getting your needs met in the relationship, usually in the arenas of sensual intimacy and sex, because you have not spoken to each other about things that really matter. Relationships are either growing or dying; there is no such thing as standing still. Death in a relationship can be very scary. And, it is not a bad thing if you allow the death to bring needed change and rebirth, no different than the winter death blossoming into spring. It is important that you support your relationship in its natural death-change seasons and prevent the other "D" word - called Divorce - from happening. (Divorce can happen even if you are not married.)

The Beauty of relationship is that it will grow and change with you if you allow it to, if you do not settle for less. Romance can awaken your body, mind and spirit. You can experience passion and energy in your life, which is the gift of our spirit being in a physical form. Do you have enough passion in your relationship with self, life and others?

More often than not we feel secure in a relationship and are afraid to rock the boat or speak our true feelings. Give each other the greatest gift you can share this holiday season: support each other, and speak your needs and desires. Invite your relationship to become more intimate, more passionate and more giving. Relationships are about mutual benefit and welfare: what you give. And in the giving, you will receive.

Be a Valentine

Be a Valentine
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

The attitude of gifting and love are a part of our life more then once a year. We have hopefully recovered from the financial outflow of the holiday spirit and have been enjoying the routine of work, family, friends and a bit of play on the weekends. Now we are being bombarded with February 14, Valentines Day. Are you going to buy a card and box of candy and let it go at that? Are you going to buy into the commercialization or are you going to create a day that truly has meaning for you? My attitude is any excuse will do to show love, passion and caring to another. So why not add something special to Valentines Day and become a Valentine - or should I say become a lover of life?

What would it cost you to be consciously considerate on Wednesday the 14th to everyone you meet? How many honest compliments can you give to the people in your life from co-workers, to employees, to lovers, friends, children and parents? How about the stranger you are passing in the store? Can you tell them how nice/attractive they look, male or female? If you are sincere you will not get in trouble for flirting or coming-on to them.

For you, what would a "Lover of Life" look like? 
If you do not have a clue I recommend you watch the move Don Juan De Marco. Watch it before Valentines Day and listen carefully to how the young Don Juan describes the beauty of each woman he makes love to. Fall in love with life again and love sharing your life with that special person. No matter how busy you are on Wednesday February 14th take the time to love who you are, what you are doing in life and who you love doing it with.

If you want to enjoy a nice sexual interlude for Valentines Day then plan the time and space for the event. It does not take the passion away if you do a little planning. It will eliminate being too tired, the kids being under foot, the day getting away from you and the old routine of "later honey" from happening. You plan your business hours and your business meetings and you get allot accomplished! Apply a little business sense to your home life and you will create the space for romance and passion.

As you read this article write notes in your calendar on Wednesday the 14th as a reminder.

  1. Conscious Consideration – give compliments today.
  2. Be a Lover of Life today
  3. Love Who I am, What I am doing and Who I am doing it with.
  4. Buy flowers for self and other. Men like flowers too!
  5. Make time for lovemaking = Get child sitter or rent hotel room early or
    make love then take her/him out to dinner.

If you do not have a love-of-your-life at this time then love your self and book a massage sensual or therapeutic. Take your best friend or parent(s) out for a meal. Go golfing or to the Scottsdale Gun club for an evening of shooting. Love yourself on this day in a special way.

Too Busy for Sex this Holiday Season?

TOO BUSY FOR SEX 
THIS HOLIDAY SEASON?

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

December is a busy time of year with family, parties, shopping, and office gatherings. Do you feel more sexual, romantic with the holiday spirit and cooler weather? 
Or are you feeling overwhelmed with each day that passes?

Your sexual energy can be your best friend. The higher your sex drive, the more intimacy with self and others you engage in, the less stressed out you will be. You can start with the warmth of a good full body hug. Do not rush it. Hold each other and let go of your mental to-do list. Melt and feel your body against each other. This is a delicious little snack that can keep you going for hours. Ladies, men like their cocks to be held. Caress his cock over his pants or better yet slip your hand inside. A little cock snuggle goes a long way. Men, women love their face, neck, back to be gently stroked. Yes, we are different. Do not grab our boobs or pussy unless you have a very sexual woman in your life.

Once or twice during the month go to work late, get home early or take a long lunch break. Arrange to have a little nookie. You have 30 days. Between the two of you, look at your calendars and find two spaces of time to fuck. Make it happen - no excuses. Dress or undress for the occasion. Men: we need to see you have taken the time to seduce us with your attire. Go to Frederick's and buy yourself some male sexy bedroom attire. Yum, Yum.

Are you single, no one in your life at this time? No problem! Give yourself an early holiday present and have a nice sensual massage. There is nothing wrong with this especially if there is no one in your life at this time. We need to be touched and loved unconditionally. If you had a toothache you would go to a professional and not think anything of it. Why put a negative moralistic value on a highly skilled profession that has been with us for thousands of years? Learn to take care of your self.

Some of you may have a great sex life that does not take a dip during the holidays. How can you amp the energy, increase your passion and intensity in your active love life? Variety really does help. Making love at different times, in different locations wearing sexual attire and surprising each other when not expected. Women, flash your man, wearing a garter belt, hose and a pretty black bra when you pick him up from the airport or he walks in the door at home. Ladies, you may think your hips are too big but he doesn't. Men, run a hot bubble bath for her. Do not climb in with her, you are too big. Let her bask in the bubbles and turn music on for her. Have the bed turned down and ready.

It is the Holiday Season! Make it the most intimate, passionate playful and sexually fun month of the year.

Can't Get It Up, Can't Get It down, Can't Get It!!!

Can't Get It Up, 
Can't Get It Down, 
Can't Get It!!!!

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

When a client sits down in my office, they are not usually asking to learn about spiritual sexuality. They have relationship or sexual issues. The spiritual teaching comes in when they realize their soul is dying and one cannot separate sexuality and spirituality. They've made decisions which so impacted their life they've finally decided to seek professional council. Can you imagine waiting years to deal with an abcessed tooth or a broken arm? That is what we do when it comes to issues of sexual matters.

See if you recognize any of these issues in your own life:

"I have been married 30 years and have not had sex with my wife for the past 10. I am a very sensual man. My family hugged, my wife's family did not. I understood our differences and when we first got married we had good sex. After the kids were born it became less and less. I felt like I was taking advantage of her every time I wanted to make love, like she was doing me a favor. Her lack of response was a rejection I couldn't take any more. I eventually stopped approaching her for sex, which was fine with her! Over the years she refused to have any kind of intimacy. We give each other a peck on the cheek. After 10 years of not being touched. I am going mad!"

"I ejaculate too soon (premature ejaculation). Sometimes I can last 10 minutes when I am inside her. Other times, I come almost immediately. I have always been this way (or it has been in the last year that this is happening and I do not know why). Can I learn how to control my ejaculative response to last longer?"

"I am not a good kisser. I have stopped asking women out, because when we get to the end of the evening, I know once I kiss them, they will never go out with me again. It has happened. I have a friend coming into town to visit and we have never made love. I want to learn how to kiss, so with any luck she will want to make love to me instead of running away."

"I am 42 and in good physical condition. My wife loves the way I make love to her. When I would ask her to do some sensual sexy things I like, she flat out refused. I started having erection problems 3 years ago and have been taking Viagra. I get amazing hard-ons. The problem is I cannot ejaculate (retarded ejaculation). My wife will ride me and have multiple orgasms, which is great, but after a while I just need to ejaculate. It may not seem like a problem but I get so angry and frustrated. She does not seem to care as long as she gets what'she wants."

First, these problems were all resolved, second, without medication. It is a lack of sexual knowledge that represses the human spirit.

Do not wait! Call and receive the wisdom, coaching and touch that heals the body, mind, spirit, and soul.

You Can't Win If You Don't Play It Won't Work If You Don't Try

You Can't Win If You Don't Play
It Won't Work If You Don't Try

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I just came back from a conference for the Society of Scientific Study of Sexuality. There were Professors, Psychologists, Sexologists, Sex Therapists, well known Authors in the field of sexology, published photographers and college students. There were many interesting, exciting and discouraging presentations on sexual research.

One such project assessed over 23,000 participants. The question, "Did you read material to help you improve your sex life?" Answer; over 50% said yes. That was great, 11,500 people read to try and figure out how to have a better sex life. Question: How many people who read the "helpful" material actually spoke to their partner, spouse or lover about it? The numbers dropped way off. Question, How many people tried at least one of the suggestions they read about? Answer about 150 out of 23,000.

Makes you wonder! Your sex life is not going the way you want it to so you read about how to fix it then you do not talk to your partner about it and you do not even try one thing different. Then you wonder why nothing is changing. I believe that is the definition of insanity to be doing the same thing over and over and expect something to change.

Bottom line, you can't win if you don't play and it won't work if you don't try it. Common sense yes and yet we are so afraid to speak the truth to our partner and to try new things in the bedroom. Do you feel silly if you try something new?

Do you have a partner that no matter what you do - bring flowers home for her, tell her how much you love and appreciate her - nothing works? She's not interested or she acquiesces 2 times a month.

The question to be or not to be sexual (meaning any of the following: passionate, intimate sensual, nude and caressing each other with or without intercourse, oral pleasure, orgasms or just enjoyment) becomes a very challenging one. What are you to do if one of you wants it and the other does not? Who is breaking the marriage vow? The partner who doesn't want sex (see above definition) and thinks their partner should go without, too, or the person who is considering or already is taking care of their sexual needs outside their committed relationship/marriage?

How committed are you to having a healthy intimate sex life with your partner? Will it create too much dissonance and grief between you for you to bring it up again? Another research project discovered women for the most part are sexually satisfied and their men are not. The majority, hear me, the majority of men in this survey are not satisfied and the women do not know their men are not happy in the bedroom. Hello!! Someone is not talking; someone is not asking questions, communication is not happening. The one thing, the biggest thing that keeps a couple sexually happy for years is talking to each other. Tell each other what you enjoy in the bedroom about the other. Say I love you often. Ask for what you need and desire and tell your partner how wonderful it is when they give it to you. Call each other up and tell them you can't wait to make love to them. They will have the whole day to think about it and you will have the whole day to think of something fun and different to do. Like make love in a different room. It does not have to be complicated. Just read the suggestions then talk about it and do one thing different.

Coffee or Testosterone The Afternoon Low

Coffee or Testosterone
The Afternoon Low

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

It is 2:30 in the afternoon. Are you tired, looking for that cup of pick-me-up coffee or energy bar? Did you know that men's testosterone has a daily cycle and the afternoon is generally your low point of the day? Guess when your cycle is high. That's right, in the morning when you wake up with that beautiful erection.

What does testosterone has to do with low energy? Everything! If it is low for men (or women), you will not have the vim and vigor that once permeated your life. Here are some side affects that are caused by low testosterone for men:

  • Irritability
  • Increased abdomen girth (this is putting it nicely)
  • Premature aging
  • Decreased sex drive
  • Low cycles will affect your overall life performance but you may recognize it best during work, in midday sports or your afternoon weekend naps
  • Loss of Motivation

As you have gotten older, have you noticed a slight decline in your sexual desires and morning erections but thought nothing of it, attributing it to aging? WRONG, attribute it to STRESS. 98% of our body rebuilds itself continually.

Stress is a "pac man" that gobbles up your hormones. When one hormone is being stressed out, consumed, it will pull on other hormones to replenish it. The body can actually change one hormone into another. Now we have a domino affect with the 4 hormones which are key to a man's sex drive, erections, and overall well being, Testosterone, Estradiol, DHT and DHEA being affected. Without them being in proper ratio, we women get to experience, what men have been dealing with, since our first menstruation cycle. Now it is our turn to be understanding and supportive.

Because this imbalance usually happens gradually, you do not even realize you have been going down hill for years. Aging? No! Stress? Yes!

Of course exercise and a healthy diet also play into this equation. When the hormones are out of balance you are not living up to your full potential and you know it. It affects your self esteem and performance in all categories.

Can you do anything about it? YES! You can and you should. You are not being given the scientifically proven information that Natural Hormone replacement therapy can have you feeling, living and making love like your Young self again.

Taking natural hormones is no different then taking vitamins and minerals to compensate for our foods that no longer have the nutritional value our body needs. You definitely can have your hormone levels checked with a saliva or blood test. Consider taking a Bio-Identical Natural Hormone replacement and rediscover your vim and vigor. DO NOT take a pharmaceutical given by most doctors. They will even tell you, not to take for more then a few years because it increases your risk of cancer. Why take it at all, if it increases your risk of cancer, when there is an FDA approved alternative?

Great Spirit built our bodies to Live Vibrantly. Civilization produces stress that drags us down.

You decide.

Crowning Your King

Crowning Your King
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

A Woman's Ultimate Fantasy 
There is a fantasy that almost all women will tell you they have – if they're being honest with you. That fantasy is to be ravished by their lover. Taken in such a passionate demanding way that the thought of fighting melts away as their body responds so wildly that the man is lost in her cries of desire for him. There is a fantasy that hides deep within a woman's womb, to be able to give herself completely to her man. Yet the only way she can give this deep part of herself is if he is able to ravish her and take it.

Yes, this is a paradox. This is where the difficulty lies.

The woman must be sexually healthy, vibrant and alive, even if there has been sexual abuse in her life. She can heal herself from that and truly experience why the Great Spirit made woman as the passionate mystery that she is. And it is every man's quest to explore that mystery and discover the hidden treasures of her body. He intuitively knows that within her womb he feels himself to be a King. When she looks deep into his eyes and knows the very essence of his seed, spirit and soul lie deep within her, at that moment she feels the sacredness of who she is and can crown him her King. For the woman to be able to achieve this state, she must surrender to her passion and give herself deeper and deeper to the experience. Something will awaken inside that is pure power and spirit.

When this happens, magic happens.

What the healthy, vibrant man must be able to do is to control his erection and ejaculation, sometimes for hours. He must make love to all of her: body, mind, spirit and soul - without rushing. He must take his time, breathing to pace himself so he does not get over-stimulated and ejaculate before he chooses to. Build the passion, and then let it plateau to build again. His sensitivity and awareness of her breath will begin to lead him to her treasure. Her body movements and sounds of sensual delight will be the signposts that lead him to the path of his Kingdom.

Men have different needs. Yes, a clean home and a good meal is nice but men would rather have a good fuck. Men buy homes and go into debt and do whatever they have to do to attract a woman and provide for her so they have a partner who respects them and makes them feel desired. They feel like a million bucks and can take the world on, for us, their woman. Whether it is true or not does not matter as long as in your eyes he is your man, your hunk, your King, because only a Queen can crown a King.

Sacred Sexuality awakens something so deep in both of us - it is then that we see why the Great Spirit made man and woman, not to war with each other but to make love. Heal and free yourselves from dogma and fear based reprisal. Discover the naturalness and spiritual ecstasy hidden deep within your desires.

Do You Enjoy Oral Sex?

Do You Enjoy Oral Sex?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Sex Counselor A.A.S.E.C.T. Certified

Do you enjoy giving and receiving oral sex? Every time you make love is oral sex a natural part of your loving? Do you have a partner that will allow you to give, some of the time, but does not reciprocate? OR your partner will give to you but will not allow you to give back?

When was the last time you enjoyed a good long session using your mouth kissing, licking, sucking, slurping, nibbling on every square inch of your partners body from their finger tips to their ears down to their sensitive toes and everything in-between?

Did you know the toes are connected to the genitals? You would know if ever you allowed someone to lick and suck on your toes. Now don't go getting normal on me. And say yuck to toes. If you are showered and clean touching any part of the body that does not usually get attention can be very stimulating. Have you felt little electrical bolts of passion jerk your legs around like your genitals were in an energy socket? But it was your toes being sucked? Try it you may like it.

Can you imagine going the rest of your sexual life and never give or receive oral sex? There are generational and religious taboos against oral sex. It does not produce children it is purely for pleasure. There are those who still believe it is dirty to have oral sex. It is not what God intended. I wonder when was the last time those individuals had a good sit down talk with God and asked directly. Never, because religiosity stops you from having a direct relationship with God, Great Spirit.

Being spiritual and being religious are two different things. The most spiritual people may not be religious at all and the most religious people may not have a shred of spirituality in their hearts. Who is to say what is right and wrong when it comes to your intimacy? Are you letting your partner rule the roost or nest as it may be? What about your desires? What about doing and enjoying what is natural rather then do what you have been indoctrinated to believe is right or wrong.

Are you good at oral sex? Have you had a chance to practice it over your lifetime? How many skills have you developed in your life that you did not have to learn first, practice it, make mistakes and learn from your mistakes? Does your partner tell you what they like; harder softer yessss that feels sooo good. Or does your partner lie there with no verbal sounds, no body movement or twitches of pleasure so you know what you are doing is bringing pleasure to them.

Do you enjoy the pleasure of taste, fragrance, and texture from soft to engorged lips or soft to erect cock? When was the last time you spent some time making love in foreplay as a pleasure onto itself without the goal of intercourse being the focus? Have you ever been so turned on by giving pleasure to your partner that you went into spontaneous orgasm yourself?

Oral Sex seems to be a taboo for a large part of our population. How sad especially if one of you loves oral sex and crooning your pleasure and the other is closed down. It is time to have a heart to heart talk about the birds and the bees and licking the honey.

Early Ejaculation – Premature Ejaculation

Early Ejaculation – 
Premature Ejaculation

More prevalent in today's society then anyone wants to talk about!

By Ina “Speaks Simply” Mlekush  M.A.M.F.C.C.  
Sex Counselor    A.S.S.E.C.T. CERTIFIED 

Click Here to take our Early Ejaculation Survey

There is no one to talk to when you have early ejaculation, better known as premature.  There is nothing premature about it.  The feelings are there the passion is overwhelming and the ejaculation is full and powerful and feels wonderful. It just comes earlier then desired.  You would like to be able to maintain intercourse for at least 10 minutes and 20 would be like a miracle. You want to please your partner and a 2-minute fuck is not doing it.

The medical profession wants to give you shots, pharmaceuticals. This is not a solution this is money making for the pharmaceutical companies and the weekly visits to the doctor. You are dealing with the symptom not the cause.

 I have some clients who are so embarrassed they have stopped making love to their wives and others who do not want to date.  Their fear is that the first love making session will be over too fast and their potential soon to be girlfriend will be gone and their wives will be disappointed once again.  Even though the wife says she does not mind.  Maybe she doesn't but you do!

Some of you have always experienced early ejaculation since you first began making love. Others are surprised when out of nowhere you lose control of your ejaculative response and are cuming faster and faster to you and your partner's dismay. What happened, why is this happening now? What can I do about it?

Early Ejaculation no matter how long you have been experiencing it, no matter if it happens every time or more often then you like, Can be Resolved! It is not the squeeze method.  I will give you a brief explanation;

  1. Do not jerk off, no fast masturbation. You are training your body to cum quickly. Slow down take 15 to 20 minutes to masturbate. 
  2. You need to strengthen your Puboccocygeus Muscle, PC for short.  This is the muscle that when you have an erection you make your cock bob back and forth.. Contract it 200 x twice a day.
  3. Your prostate will be massaged as you do this isometric exercise.
  4. 3 x a week -Practice by self-pleasuring/masturbating and stopping before the point of no return. Give it a good couple minutes to catch the timing. You will begin to recognize the tension when making love and do the same thing as below.
  5. Contract your P.C. muscle while at the same time inhaling deeply with the intent of drawing your sexual energy down your cock like it was a straw and pulling it up to your solar plexus, trace the line, cock to solar plexus, with your fingers.
  6. Repeat a total of 5 times, build and plateau with each time taking approximately 5 minutes.
  7. Let yourself ejaculate on the 5th build, a total of 15 – 20 minutes.  Make sound, tilt your head back, mouth open and go for it.
  8. Your ejaculation will be more enjoyable & intense when you do release.
  9. You will have trained yourself to recognize when you are nearing the point of no return and control it with breath and intent.

Please note; For Success a full explanation with technique details is necessary.
I have been working with clients for over 15 years and in the very first session they experience being able to control their ejaculative response.

As a Sexual Counselor I am very frustrated that Early Ejaculation is not being talked about and dealt with in a healthy none pharmaceutical way.  Approximately 80% of clients call and ask about early ejaculation.

I am doing a RESEARCH PROJECT and ask you IF you have Early Ejaculation fill out the questionnaire. You will remain anonymous.  With your help perhaps we can open the closed door and bring solution and peace of mind to the wonderful men who ejaculate early.

Click Here to take our Early Ejaculation Survey

Flesh and Spirit

Flesh and Spirit
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

We are both flesh and spirit. To the extent that we honor our sexuality we also honor our spirit. We are born to experience pleasure, to know ourselves as sensual, sexual human beings. It is proven that babies in the womb play with their genitals. However, may of us have been taught to suppress our pleasure, particularly the joy we feel in expressing our sexuality. In so doing, we hide our sexuality from our loved ones and rob ourselves of our creative life-force energy.

Sexual pleasure is both a natural and essential part of human experience. Rather than being at odds with our spiritual nature, our sexual nature plays a vital role in our spiritual, emotional, and physical well-being. To be whole means to understand and give value to conscious sexual expression. It means to be both spiritual and sexual. Sacred sexuality is the secret to living longer and restoring youthful vigor.

When we honor our sacred sexuality we are in alignment with the primordial life force energy, the infinite diversity and abundance of the universe from which everything is created. When we make love we create the merging of two magical energy fields. A third energy is then created that is greater than the sum of its parts. Every time you make love you are tapping into this primordial life force with the potential of the everything.

You can manifest your dreams and desires at this time with a little forethought and discipline. Get into the habit of stating a prayer or affirmation as close to your orgasm as possible. Think about it beforehand so you are making a positive statement followed by gratitude. For example, "I am financial security and independence, please and thank you" or "Thank you for my completed products and publications with financial success".

We are meant to use our sexual energy consciously. Conscious sexuality is sacred. It opens the channels of your heart. You learn how to communicate more honestly. Enjoy more intimate relationships with yourself and others. You can heal past wounds of fear, shame, and guilt around your sexuality. You can transcend beliefs that have limited your passion for life. As you explore sexual energy you will learn about different types and levels of orgasms, and expand your body's capacity to hold more intensely satisfying orgasms, to your pleasure and amazement.

Your exploration of your sexuality is a powerful tool for sacred transformation. It will reflect your self-worth and self-esteem. How do you feel about your body? No matter the size do you enjoy feeling sexual and being sexual? Emotionally, do you close down and find excuses not to be sexual? Why not work on the original cause of your sexual guilt, shame or repression instead of acting like nothing is wrong? Mentally have you really explored the great world of sacred sexual practices from many different traditions? There are books, videotapes and workshops where you can educate yourself - or have you accepted hook line and sinker what you have been taught by your parents and religion?

Through sacred sexually you can discover who you really are. You can find peace of mind, inspiration of spirit and wholeness of body.

 

The Freedom of Nudity

The Freedom of Nudity
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Do you sit around your pool or jacuzzi nude with your friends, enjoying good talk and an ice tea? Do you walk around the house with as little on as possible during these sweltering hot days of summer? Do you take the diaper off your youngest and let them feel the freedom of their body without constraints?

What is your attitude about nudity? Do you enjoy the beauty of the female form or the strong lines of the masculine? Do nudity and sex go hand in hand? If one is nude, is it a sexual statement? Are you comfortable with your body whatever shape you are in or are you embarrassed and would not be caught nude if your life depended on it?

One of the most freeing, exhilarating experiences is to walk outside nude, feel the sun and the wind or the rain on your beautifully natural nude body. The other night our monsoon rains finally swept through our valley. There was lightening and thunder. The earth was so hot it was steaming as the cool rains plummeted from the heavens. Where were you? I was standing nude off the back porch of a friend's house wrapped in the sweltering heat of summer as slapping cold raindrops hit my body. My soul was soaring as the lightening kissed the earth, Freedom, Freedom to experience and revel in the power of nature. Is this sexual? In one way it is, in its most natural form. Did an orgy follow? NO! Did I feel alive and sexually vibrant? Yes!

Nudity is a wonderful freeing experience. Responsible people do not run amock because their clothes are off. Men, women and children can enjoy nudity in the privacy of their home and pool. If children are raised with responsible nudity you will be saving them years of shame and self-loathing. All shapes and sizes are natural. We do not have to live being ashamed of our bodies.

If we desire to bring sensuality to nudity we can direct our thoughts and energy to that end. The human form is an artistic expression created by the Great Spirit. Humans created clothes and shame, not God. For most women we are too critical of our own bodies. We do not see what a man sees when he is admiring the female form. Here is an exercise you can do with your partner. Stand nude together in front of a long mirror. First state the things you do not like about your body - be gentle with yourself. Then state what you like about your body. After you have both done this now tell your partner what you like and love about their body. The thing you do not like may be the very aspect of your body that your partner loves. Accept the compliment.

Expand your life style and introduce yourself to our Arizona clothing optional family resort in New River called Shangri la Ranch: (623) 465-5959. There are membership fees, rules and regulations. As a guest you will be given a guided tour and introduction to this beautiful nudist desert resort.

 

POWER = LOVE = WISDOM GIVE THANKS

POWER = LOVE=WISDOM GIVE THANKS
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I am introducing a new term called your Children's Fire. It is a Shamanic concept that comes from the ancient Mayan culture of spiritual sexuality teachings.

The children's fire is that part of your soul that made agreements with God the Great Spirit, with your lovers and with yourself. The children's fire is the Heart of Your Soul. It is also called the "Fire From Within" which is held by your higher self at your navel. When it is nourished you feel flamed on, energized and excited about life. When the flame is being extinguished you feel yourself dying inside. The children's fire propels you to discover the task of your soul in this lifetime. It is your inner drive that tells you there is more to life than work.

The children's fire is made larger, stoked with pleasure and knowledge. The children's fire needs to experience life and look into the mirror of self through relationship with others to evolve and grow.

Let's compound this concept. You have a children's fire. Your partner has a children's fire and the relationship has its own children's fire. Each has a driving soul force, heart intent. And agreements are made. The biggest problem we have in relationship is, we forget the agreements our children's fire made with each other, let alone with God Great Spirit. The second problem is we take our free will and orgasticness and instead of "gathering together" gaining pleasure and knowledge, we create separation, pain and war of the sexes.

The key to relationship is to realize both peoples "Children's Fire" has the same intent - that is, to evolve and grow through pleasure, pure lust and knowledge. We must gain knowledge by making love an act of power, not a pain game.

Lust is called the Door of the Great Paradox. It is a message we will step into a higher state, flaming on or like a moth attracted to a flame it will burn us. Here is a formula to help you discern the difference between Love equaling Pain verses Power equals Love equals Wisdom.

Love = Pain
We fall in love. The word fall denotes hurting oneself, being off balance, falling out of your center. Ask anyone who has fallen in love if they experienced pain in that love - how about a divorce rate of over 80% of all married couples?

Power = Love = Wisdom
Power
 means to assume authority, take responsibility and be spiritually accountable.

Love is to do the will of another, falling in love is acting out of an emotional charge. You change your plans; your life turns upside down, and becomes a reflection of your lover's needs, wants and desires. You lose yourself when you "fall" in love.

Wisdom, is knowing the difference. You must choose to Love as an Act of Power, which creates co-empowerment, not co-dependency.

Love can be the most powerful force on the planet when it is guided by wisdom.

Give Thanks this November for the Healthy Love and Passion you have in your life. For the Wisdom you have acquired over the years learning from painful relationships.

Happy Holidays Make Giving Your Priority

Happy Holidays Make Giving Your Priority
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Are you ready to surprise your partner? What would they like for the holidays? Can you create such an event they will be talking about it for years to come, bragging about you?

You may be surprised as to what they would actually like. It may be romantic, sensual or it may not be. Can you give it to them no matter? Sometimes the greatest gift is our time. Making time for our loved ones, friends, and family. Does your partner get into the holiday spirit? Do you decorate your house - go shopping for a Christmas tree and decorate together? This is the time for Hanukkah and other holidays also. Do you enjoy getting the house ready for your family and lighting of the candles? Doing it together is the key.

Often times we wonder how to get our needs met. We feel sexually frustrated and closed down to our partner. Can you change that for a moment, a day, for the holidays? You will never fully understand another person's thinking or feelings. You do not know why they are the way they are. If for a time you can love them unconditionally you may find in the giving you receive a gift that no money could buy.

There are many stresses during this season. As you are challenged can you deal with them, one at a time. Do not let them accumulate and pull the carpet out from under you. Think about getting a massage for you and your loved one. Find a friend who has a Jacuzzi (if you do not) and sit under the stars. Feel the cool night air on your Naked bodies - ok, wear a bathing suit if you must.

I know some of you have willing partners. Some of you have unwilling partners and some of you do not have anyone this year. All of the above is OK. Love yourself unconditionally. Buy yourself a massage, go to the gym and sit in the jacuzzi and start up a conversation. Make this season about giving in a way you have never done before. How can you give to those in your life, including yourself?

Is there something you have desired to do but have not known how to make it happen or how to get your lover to do it? Have you been dreaming secretly about something and you are giving up on it? There is a simple technique to manifest your dreams and desires. First do not think or worry about how it will happen. That is none of your business. Visualize it in 3-D Technicolor with full sound and emotional impact. How does it make you feel to have experienced this or accomplished it? Thank the Universe for having given it to you. Make it in past tense as if you already have it; Be it Sex, Money, Cars, Lovers, New Career, Health.

Every time you hear your inner thoughts discounting your desires stop them and replace them with a stronger commitment of imagining what you desire. It takes two positive thoughts to compensate for one negative, for example +1 & -1 = 0. It takes another +1 to make one step forward. Here is another formula: Attention= Power! Where you give your attention is where you give your power. In other words, watch what you are thinking! Negative thinking begets negative results. Positive thinking does not mean becoming an airhead and going into code white. Discover the power of your thoughts and direct them accordingly.

This Holiday Season can be the beginning of magick for you. How many doors can you open for others? How many Acts of Kindness can you do for others? What is that one special gift you can give rather then spending too much money? What would make you happy this season? You deserve it. Gift Yourself and Love Unconditionally.

He Won't Ejaculate

HE WON'T EJACULATE
By Ina Lauging Winds M.A. M.F.C.C.

"He won't ejaculate", she complained to me. "He read somewhere that a man loses his vital life force energy when he ejaculates, so he just won't do it. It is so frustrating. Without this expression of his passion for me, I feel like I am doing something wrong, that I am not good enough. Why won't he ejaculate?"

Refusing to ejaculate is different from delayed ejaculation. Delayed means the man would love to ejaculate but cannot get over the top. He gets very close then loses it. Usually he is mentally distracted, thinking about trying "to com" instead of being lost in the feeling of passion and orgasticness.

If you are refusing to com because you have a loss of energy when you ejaculate then you are having a low level orgasm. You are not building the intimacy and intensity to create a second or third level orgasm. At a Zero level you lose energy, at a level One you can lose energy but usually you break-even. It's a nice fuck and you roll over and go to sleep. The woman is usually turned on and wants more. There are 4 levels of orgasm. If the chemistry is right even a quickie could develop into a high-level experience.

A man's body is made to ejaculate. Are you going to argue with Great Spirit? It is how the man's body is built. Ejaculation keeps his prostate healthy and his stress level reduced. There are 5 types of orgasm; water, earth, air, fire and void. Two of them include full ejaculation. For every 5 times he makes love or self pleasures, it is important for a man to ejaculate at least twice.

Ejaculative orgasm is magick. Gifting your seed to your woman is a way of manifesting your dreams and goals. You need to release your seed, in the womb of the feminine and state a prayer, an affirmation with the seeding. You can say this silently or out loud with your partner. Together the feminine and the masculine can create new worlds and possibilities of future goals. If you are self-pleasuring (masturbating) you release your seed into the womb space of the void. The void is feminine holding all potential. You are the masculine seeding your dreams and desires.

When a woman is desperate to be the sacred chalice for her man's fluids, when a man withholds this most precious expression of himself, it creates separation and dissonance between the couple. There are no seeds planted in the earth. She cannot give back to him the fruit of his labor.

  • A man can learn to control his ejaculative response, lasting over an hour if he chooses.
  • A man can learn to have full body orgasms different then genital that last 5 to 30 minutes. Orgasms are different then ejaculations.
  • Woman can learn to have multiply orgasms and delicious watery ejaculations.
  • A man can learn to have multiply orgasms, which is one reason he wants to learn how to control his ejaculation.

Sex is natural. Ejaculation is natural. Learn how to energize not deplete yourself.

Love Magick for the Holidays "The Power of Orgasm"

Love Magick for the Holidays "The Power of Orgasm"
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

We have never been told how powerful our orgasm is. It could be the greatest gift you give to yourself and lover this holiday season.

Orgasms are the key to rejuvenating yourself at the cellular level. It is what balances your internal environment. Just like a thermostat. Not feeling well? Have an orgasm. Tired, feel depressed? Have an orgasm. An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away.

The more orgasms you have a year, the younger you are. The average American has sex 58 times a year. If you double that, you can reduce your real age by as much as 1.6 years. The benefits keep adding up as your frequency increases. Age estimates RealAge (Cliff Street Books, 1999).

A study published in the British Medical Journal suggests that men who have frequent sex are less likely to die at an early age.

Sexual dissatisfaction has been shown to be a risk factor for heart attacks in women. A Duke University study linked enjoyment of intercourse with longer life in women.

The Great Spirit created our bodies to have orgasms. The more you understand the vital need for the human spirit to enjoy this very intimate form of communication, the more you will be willing to open yourself to the magickal journey of spiritual sexuality.

Here is a Holiday recipe: 2-3 hours

  • Intimate location
  • Sensual music
  • Candles to create an ambiance (remember lighters)
  • A small bowl of water (south), earth (west), incense for air (north),
    and yellow candle for fire (east).
  • Massage oil
  • Lubricant of your choice (safe sex items needed)
  • Sensual attire, from a sarong to lingerie.

Begin with an agreement to be present 100%. You are gifting this time, not using it to discuss old grievances.

Set up the room so it feels sexy, sensual and inviting.

Place the elemental bowls around the bed or on a shelf in their proper direction. Honor each of the elements and light the east candle. Say a prayer from your heart.

Write a simple statement of intent. Place it under the east candle. Such as, "Love first and foremost, financial security and independence, and all else will follow." "Or Thank You Great Spirit for my new job." (Make your statement as if it has come to pass.)

Take a shower, bathe each other slowly and sensuously with playfulness and laughter. Towel each other off.

Step into something sensuously revealing.

Take turns, no less then ½ hour for each partner touching the entire body, front and back. Do not focus on the genitals! Use hands, mouth, hair, your entire body touching your partner's entire body.

After both have given and received this touching, or you have given it to yourself, allow your love making to begin. Slow down - make it last a long time.

As close to the peak of your orgasm as is humanly possible, speak your statement out loud with conviction, using the orgastic energy to manifest your dreams and desires. Repeat as often as you desire.

Do 10 acts of kindness in appreciation for the universe granting your desires.

How Much Sex Is Too Much?

How Much Sex Is Too Much?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Some of you may not like what I have to say in this article. You are forewarned. I am not speaking about a sexual addiction. I am addressing healthy people with a healthy, high sex drive. Of late in my private practice I have had clients ask, "Is there something wrong with me, how much sex is too much?"

My first question is always an intimate one: "How much sex are you having with your partner and/or from self -pleasuring?" I do not use the common word masturbation. I prefer a more accurate descriptive phrase; besides, masturbation at its root, means to self-abuse. I do not abuse myself. I pleasure myself. The response from my clients has been from daily to 2 - 4 times a day engaging with a partner combined with self pleasuring, or simply pleasuring one's self without always a full ejaculation or orgasm. All of the above answers fall into the category of healthy. Yes, even 4 times a day!

Now some folks do not have a sex drive that warrants this type of sexual activity. In most partnerships one person will have a higher sex drive than the other. Here is the general rule of thumb: the partner with the lower sex drive should increase their activity to meet the needs of the higher drive. This may not be "fair" but it is definitely healthy.

What most of us have never been taught is the key role our sex life and especially orgasms play in maintaining a healthy body, mind and spirit. The higher the level of orgasm one can experience, and there are 5 levels (which are not taught in traditional sex class 101), the more vibrant we will be emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and sexually. This body of knowledge comes out of the Ancient Shamanic traditions of Chuluaqui Quodoushka, handed down in an oral history from the Mayan civilization and the Twisted Hair Council of Elders to my teacher Thunder Strikes.

Sexuality sits in the center of the medicine wheel; in the south are our emotions, the west our physical, the north our mental, the east our spiritual and in the center, our sexuality. Like spokes on a wheel, when we deal with our sexual energy it will impact our emotional, mental, physical and spiritual state. How bumpy is the ride? How do we feel about ourselves? What condition is our body in? It confronts us with a true assessment of our self worth.

Rather than deal with our sexuality it is much easier to buy into the puritanical traditions of our heritage in the United States and be less sexual rather than more sexual, limiting our imagination in regards to our love making with our partner, rather than having an open and unlimited imagination. It is easier to insist the partner with the higher sex drive is "over sexed" rather than admit your fears and limitations around sexuality.

The experience of orgasm with or without a partner balances out your inner environment. It heals you at the cellular level. When getting sick, express your sensuality and sexuality and have an orgasm. You can heal yourself. High level orgasms are what rejuvenates the body and is the key to longevity.

Sex is Natural. The Great Spirit (or by whatever name you wish to call this higher power) created our bodies, and they are beautiful. The key is sexual freedom, not license. This means we are to assume authority, take responsibility and be spiritually accountable for our god given right as a spiritual sexual human being.

So the next time someone tells you, "you are over sexed," hold out the possibility that they could increase their passion and health and have a lot more energy for all the things they want to accomplish in their life. Sex, Passion and Orgasms are the gasoline in the engine; do not let it run dry.

How to Keep Your Relationship Sexually Alive

How to Keep Your Relationship Sexually Alive
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Using fantasy and role-playing keeps your relationship alive. Most of us do not think we have a bone of talent when it comes to acting - and yet we put on a "different face" as the social occasion requires. So why is it when we get into the bedroom we feel foolish or not up to the job to play out an erotic scene with our partner? Oh, we may be awkward at first, but practice makes perfect. Sharing our fantasies with our lover/partner creates intimacy.

Our society has taught us, or rather programmed us, to think that fantasies take us away from our partner. It is portrayed as cheating. "Aren't I enough?" is the cry of the wounded partner.

The answer is, "No!" After 25 years of marriage, or even 5 years of routine lovemaking, you are not enough. No wonder so many couples have affairs: variety is the "spice of life" and we can get it right in our own bedrooms if we are willing to break out of our sexually repressed, indoctrinated boxes.

  • First: The brain is a muscle and works 24/7. If you do not give it something to think about, it will come up with its own agenda. This is an unneeded distraction when you are making love. The key is to think about sex. Use your imagination. You do not have to focus on a specific person as much as a scene that turns you on. Invite one or more sexual playmates into your fantasy. You do not have to be monogamous in your dreams. Your partner can join in on the fun and be the ringmaster if you are willing to talk your fantasy our loud while making love, or you can create a scene that is just between you and your partner. Your partner can become the service person who catches you lying nude, pleasuring yourself by the pool before seducing you in your own back yard.
  • Second: Sexual fantasy is one of the best ways a woman can teach herself how to have an orgasm. It takes body, mind, spirit and soul surrendering to the moment. Sharing fantasies and living them out for each other increases the intensity of the interaction with you and your partner. Lovemaking should be passionate, exciting and energizing, not humdrum. Maintenance sex has a place but not as a regular diet.
  • Third: If you don't know how to create fantasies, go to a bookstore and find the sexuality section. Find some erotic writing and thumb through it. See if the erotic writing stirs you. Yes, right there in the store. Close the book before you embarrass yourself, and buy it. Do not put the book on the top shelf in your bedroom and forget about it. That very night, you and your partner should read a page or two together. If you and your partner have any sex drive at all, you won't make it to page four. Your lovemaking will be more passionate than you have enjoyed in a long time.

The mind is an amazing tool: 
it is the most powerful sex organ we have. 
Use it!

I'm Sexually Free Now What?

I'm Sexually Free Now What?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

A couple we'll call Bill and Sally came to see me because their sex life had become mundane. They were ready for some adventure. They heard about social clubs and decided to venture out of their safe but dull sexual world.

For their first trip to the club, Bill and Sally went on couples night and were excited. They made some good agreements: they have been monogamous and would continue to be so. They just wanted to see some other couples playing openly. They decided to dress real sexy and to have sex at the club in a lock-the-door room where total privacy is guaranteed. They had a blast. They were both turned on by the openness and the other couples in varied attire from normal street clothes to very sexy, barely anything, see-through costumes dancing, fondling and caressing each other. They walked around and saw couples making love behind curtained windows that others could peer through. Some of the braver couples were in open rooms making love while others looked on at a respectful distance. Bill and Sally said they could never do that but wondered what would it be like. Their eyes were aglow with desire for each other.

Their private sex room was soon full of passionate sounds of thrusting and fucking, the way they used to. It worked! Their passion was back. They returned to the club many times. They started meeting other folks at the club, made new friends and became regulars. They began playing on the open beds and like the room where others can see in. They even sat on the big overstuffed couch, playing with each other, watching adult erotica on the big screen TV. It was so exciting the first time Bill slipped his hand into Sally's sexy top and caressed her nipples, then pulled her breasts out. He sucked and kissed them till she heard her own voice moaning above the TV porn star, while others watched her and not the television. Yes, the club was working.

But a year later they felt something was missing in their club activities. They were comfortable with nudity now and with making love anywhere. They went places and did things they never thought they would. So why was there this nagging feeling, this emptiness they both felt? The club was losing its draw and excitement. They opened up everything sexual they could open. They did so with good communication and agreements, so what was going wrong? They loved each other but were ready to give up on sex again.

So what if you can fuck in front of a crowd? 
So what if you can be nude in a club or share your lovemaking with others?

Bill and Sally did what so many couples do. They confronted their social and religious sexual mores. The thrill of breaking the rules was no longer thrilling. They found the beauty in being sexually open and responsible, yet something was dying inside.

In all of their openness they never discovered 
the spiritual side of sexuality.

Without the energy of intimate soul-baring, stripping yourself of everything, to feel vulnerable passion, the physical high becomes shallow.

So what if you can fuck in front of a crowd? So what if you can be nude in a club or share your love making with others? Were you able to bare your soul, look into each other's eyes and give of yourself? Were you able to give of your life force energy, not just your body? Were you able to give with unconditional love not with just physical passion?

Their innocence that was first so inviting became jaded. The building and sharing of energy did not happen and they felt lonely, even though they had come so far. We cannot separate the spiritual and the physical. When we do this we are putting a wall between us and God or the Great Spirit. We feel like we are dying inside because we are not connected to something greater then ourselves. Spirituality is sexuality. When we make sex a physical expression only, it is just as insane as the church telling us sex is only for procreation.

The Innocent Male Pays the Price for the Abusive Man

The Innocent Male Pays the Price for the Abusive Man
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

There is a phenomenon going on in our culture that no one is talking about. Men are not being warned, and only discover the problem after they have given their hearts to the woman they love. The innocent male pays the price for the abusive man.

The benevolent male loving his woman, treating her with respect, and with a caring and honest desire, enjoys a short time of passion and open lovemaking. At some juncture in their relationship she no longer has the same sexual desire. She does not want sex but will do it for him. He has not changed his attentiveness, compliments, romancing or tender caring for his women. She just has turned off and wants him to just " hurry up" and "get it over with" if she will have sex at all!

After many heartfelt and eventually frustrating requests for communication and intimacy, it comes out that she had been sexually raped or molested when she was young. She may or may not have done counseling, to no avail. She has tried to " put it" out of her mind. She has blocked it so well that she does not see the relationship between the abuse and her lack of sensual/sexual desire.

Her innocent male partner is now suffering. He is accused of being over sexed. She rejects him and says he is not a good lover. She screams at him....that she has never had an orgasm with him. Where is the woman he first met who was full of passion and desire? Was it all a "front"? Was she faking the hours of sexual pleasure? How could he have been so wrong? He feels used, especially if there are children in the picture. Did she just make love to him to have the security of marriage and children, then, when she got what she wanted, cut him off? These are the thoughts that go through a man's head.

He is devastated. The woman he loves, who he has made love to, joyfully, for years, has just castrated him with her words and anger, but worst of all, the acquiescence of her body which he thought she was giving willingly with mutual pleasure.

She refuses to do any marriage/sex counseling. She says it is "his" problem. He wants sex too much. She is content with sex once a month or every few months if that.

This innocent male is paying the price. He gets caught up in his woman's rejection and begins to feel the victim. He starts reacting with anger, hurt, and frustration. He resorts to sensual massages and an inner turmoil that tears him apart. He loves his wife (and his children) but his basic needs for touch, intimacy and loving sex are not being met. The massages soon are a shallow substitution, his masturbation relieves some of the physical tension but this is not the life he had envisioned for himself. He is dying inside and turns to work. Work keeps him busy and making good money, which provides for his family. Everything looks ok on the outside, but he is dying inside.

If this is your situation, seek professional help from a sex/marriage counselor. Come by yourself if need be and begin making the changes that will heal your life.

The Letting Sex Slip Out of Your Life

The Letting Sex Slip Out of Your Life
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Are you over 50? Have you been married for many years and you love your partner but…

Do you have children, grandchildren, a nice home, financial commitments, plans for retirement and long deserved vacations? No part of you wants a divorce but…..there is no sex in your life.

Are you between 35 & 50 and have noticed not only is the honeymoon over, but your sex life has dwindled to almost nothing. You still want it but your partner is just not interested, too tired between working and the kids. Have you tried talking about it and nothing changes, except the subject? Are you being patient, loving and kind hoping that with time things will get back to normal?

You know the way it was 5 years ago? Well, do not hold your breath. Nothing will change unless you insist upon it and take control of the situation. That means committed communication, attending seminars on the topic, or reading one of the many books on sexology, for example:

  • Kenneth Ray Stubbs PH.D., The Essential Tantra: A Modern Guide to Sacred Sexuality
  • Erotic Passion: A Guide to Orgasmic Massage, Sensual Bathing, Oral Pleasuring (www.SecretGardenPublishing.com)
  • Don Juan and the Art of Sexual Energy (InnerTraditions.com).

Are you between 24 and 35 and you have great orgasms but you're not sure your partner does? Younger men sometimes (if not most the time) ejaculate too fast, while the partner is barely warmed up. Oh, your partner has said how much she enjoys having sex with you, but there are no rocketships for her. Suggested reading, "The Multi-Orgasmic Man" by Mantak Chia & Douglas Abrams (Harper-Collins).

You are doing everything you know but there are some things your partner just doesn't like. They will give you oral sex but you cannot reciprocate. They will let you go down on them but will never touch your genitals with their mouth. They do not like anal stimulation of any kind even though they have responded with passion from this intimate touching. You feel inept. You love them and don't know what to do.

With time sex slips out of your life. The years slide by and you do not know where they have gone, raising a family, career, home. All important things and sex, that amazing feeling two people cannot experience in any other way, is gone or slipping away unbeknownst to the blind lovers.

The soul and the body must have this life-giving mutual sharing of passionate intimacy. The body is an artistic expression of the Great Spirit. Education is the greatest weapon we have against ignorance, prejudice and dogma. It is the contamination of the mind, the social images, the repressive principals we have been taught throughout our life about sex and passion, the self-righteous false teachers that perpetrate sexual dysfunction under the guise of proper action, where the battle needs to take place. It is an inner battle.

You have a life to live. You are a spiritual sacred sexuality human being as the Great Spirit created you. Do not live your life without sexual intimacy. The soul bursts with vitality, healing you at a cellular level when you enjoy the passion of intimate touching. Break out of your box of fears and limitations and discover for yourself, not because your religion or I tell you, but because you have learned for yourself the true value of sexuality in your life.

To Love is a Daily Choice This includes passion!

TO LOVE IS A DAILY CHOICE 
This includes passion!

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

With tears in her eyes she said, " Love is such a fragile thing." They had made love for an hour and a half that morning. She said, "It is so easy to forget, when little things get to us." "Love is something we have to choose to do, everyday."

"I so appreciated the notes you left yesterday all over the house." "You really know my footsteps when I get home from the gym." He said, "Yeh, I could tell you were having an off day. So before I left I thought it might help to have notes saying I love you." "It did!" "You are still doing those things that mean so much to me." She asked, " Can we do this the rest of our lives, and never lose our love for each other?" Now, both had tears in their eyes. It was a moment of intimacy and longing that had just been expressed through their body's passion. He smiled at her. " I don't plan to stop loving you and doing the things I know make you happy". She teasingly said "I won't stop loving and fucking you either." For she knew that was one thing he loved about her. She loved to make love, every day sometimes twice a day. Every now and then they would skip a day to make up for it the next.

They were both in their 50's, married before. They were no kids. They came to this relationship with wisdom and painfully gained knowledge from their other marriages. He came out of a 20-year marriage that had almost no sex. After 4 years of marriage counseling she divorced him to his now, great relief. Why he had not seen it earlier he did not know. After personal counseling he was no longer angry with woman. He had his bottom line with what he would and would not accept in a relationship.

She had been married twice before. Her first husband was an alcoholic and she was young. He gave her a beautiful son she raised mostly alone. After a college degree and, she thought, more wisdom she married again. He told her as they were creating a separation ceremony to divorce with dignity that he knew when they got married that he would be stepping out on his own path. Had she known this she would have been his lover but never married him.

They were not looking for a lover or a marriage partner. They met while enjoying a mutual sport. They made love and the world started changing with their agreement. They walked into this relationship asking questions and discovering each other's bottom lines, not settling for less. Daily, they choose to love with passion, respect, lovemaking, teasing, Talking, laughter and tears.

She said as he left for work, " In your arms I am everything I want to be".

Lover, Partner, Parent

Lover, Partner, Parent
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Each person journeys into the world of lover, relationship partner, businessperson or parenting differently. The challenge is how to be well balanced. Men need to maintain and cultivate the strength of their masculinity and women need to nurture the power of their femininity.

As a marriage, family, child counselor and spiritual sexuality therapist coach, the largest complaint I hear from both men and women is that their sex life dies. There is a focus on one or two of the roles at the expense of being a lover. The so-called more important things in life take over, like working, parenting your children, and building your business. Your personal relationship and your sex life take a back burner.

When it comes to being a lover to your partner or parenting the children, men and women have a primal instinctual difference.

For women, the children will always come first. Once the baby is born the whole ball game changes. If men knew this, only the most devout paternal men would have children. Men want a partner, lover and friend to share life with. As much as men may love their children, they are waiting for them to grow up so they can have a buddy. In the meantime, the child is getting mothers' attention, time and energy. The man is now on the bench waiting for a scrape of passion at the end of the long day.

For men, making love comes first and the children are second. This woman is his lover and friend and the kids better understand that, no matter their age. After all, when they grow up and are gone he will still be there. A little known fact is that men feel nurtured from their first chakra (wheel), their life force sexual energy, their genitals. Intercourse is an expression of intimacy and nurturing for men.

Women, on the other hand, need to give and receive nurturing from their third chakra (wheel) or womb space. This is not sexual but can be sensual. They want to hold and be held by the man, caress and feel the passion and love in their womb. This is what opens the women up to wanting to have intercourse - sometimes, but not always. This can be very frustrating for the man. He wants a lover, not a mother.

Women, a man needs for you to talk to his cock. Unlike us a man likes the direct route. Make an agreement that all cock play does not lead to intercourse. It is an expression of your desire, passion and intimacy. Then play with his cock as often as possible. Your attention to his cock has a direct impact on his self-worth and self-esteem.

Men, a woman needs for you to talk to her womb. Gently place your palm across her belly. Talk to her. Share your dreams, desires and vulnerabilities. Let her know how important she is to you. Your honoring of her sacred womb space has a direct impact on her self-worth and self-esteem.

It is important to redefine your priorities. Keep intimacy, sex and time as a couple at the top of your list. The rest of your life will benefit from this decision.

 

Where Are the Mature Sex Symbols?

Where Are the Mature Sex Symbols?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

All of our sexual symbols are of youth, hard bodies and perky pecs.
We are leaving whole generations out of over 50's. How does it feel to be one of the "over the hill" gang? What role models of sexuality and passion do you have in your life?

Is sex only for the young? Or is it for the young at heart? When you look into the mirror and you see the traces of aging from graying hair, to a receding hairline (better known as a forehead getting longer), to sagging skin, do you tell yourself no one would want to make love to this old body?

Yet your body still needs to be touched and loved. Sex is not just for the young. Sex is not just raging hormones. Sex is a spiritual act of two individuals being intimate, sensual, and passionate. The breathing increases, the eyes deepen, the soul cries out to be touched. Your bodies are pushing against each other, desire takes over and you wonder where did all this sexual energy and passion come from. It is not about the firmness of muscle or tautness of skin. With age comes time and patience. There is no rush. You've been in life for the long haul. Take your pleasure and truly enjoy the bountiful joys of lovemaking.

If you are over 50 and have stopped making passionate love, then the best years of your life are slipping away. No more diapers to change, early morning breakfast and off to school. No more car pooling the teens around. No more demands on your time. The over the hill gang can now make love morning, noon and night. Weekends are free and you can walk around your house nude. I know you are self-conscious because your body is not 22 any more. How about the attitude of who gives a rat's ass? You've earned the right, you are no longer a foolish 22, you know better and now life is yours for the living.

Throw off the clothes, throw off the inhibitions which no longer fit you and are no longer needed. Set a new standard for yourself. Yes, keep yourself in good physical condition, watch what you eat and do not eat too much. Accept the fact that with aging you change. Adjust and make love as much as you can. It will make you feel so much better.

Oh Yes, keep lots of lubricant in all the rooms. With age, juicy is good.

Men Need Intimacy, Too

Men Need Intimacy, Too
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

 

When did your father stop holding you?

When were you too old to cry in your mother's arms?

When did you realize you needed intimacy and not just sex?

 

In my Spiritual Sexuality sessions, many men share their longing for touch and intimacy from their partners. They are not just looking for S-E-X. There is a difference in being touched in a way that says let's get this over with, or a sincere caressing that heals. "I have never been touched the way you touch me," is a common response. I explain I am touching with energy. The entire body needs to be touched and awakened with intimate caring energy.

Men have been accused of having a one-track mind. Wives interpret every touch as a lead-in to having sex. So wives stop touching and being intimate for fear they will have to have sex all the time. Actually I see nothing wrong with having lots of sex. Especially since the older we get, the more sex, intimacy and touching we need.

Men, you need to learn how to be a good lover. Perhaps your wife is using aging as an excuse because of your lack of skill level. Women, if you had more sex with your husband, he would not be so hungry and needy all the time. Women and men could experience the sensual intimate touching both so desperately need. This is called mutual benefit and welfare, giving to the other because it makes you feel good to give!

The largest sex organ we have is between our ears. It is our state of mind. The hormones may not be raging anymore. With a good education (which most of us never got), we would know the importance sexual intimacy plays in our overall health. Laughter, playfulness, teasing, touching and talking are the precursor to a happy relationship, no matter our age.

Many of us have bought into the myth that with age we stop desiring sex. Not true. Those who are sexually active as they age are more vibrant, are years younger then their peers and have energy to live a more fulfilling life. Many men have allowed their wives to call the shots when it has come to their sex life. After the children are born or at some non-descript point in their life, sex is not talked about or made a priority. Meaning, couples have sex once every month or two or twice a year.

I wish to acknowledge the women who are sexually alive and vibrant and love sex. Go for it girls!! Due to the fact that 1 out of every 3 women have been sexually molested or raped in their life means there is a lot of sexual dysfunction also.

I present this question; if you are running a business and you have a greater, healthier knowledge and understanding of the business than your partner, which one should take the lead? Then, why do you not approach your love relationship with the same common sense?

Educate yourself! Whichever one of you is inclined to do so and share the knowledge. Be loving with gentle strength. Little to no sex in your relationship is not acceptable. Attentiveness and follow-through is what made your business successful. So cross train and apply the same principals. Remember you must talk about what is working and what is NOT working - negotiate for success. Every day is an opportunity to be passionately in love, a challenge with the reward being priceless.

From Motherhood to Lover

From Motherhood to Lover
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Being a parent is one of the most important jobs there is. How we raise our children determines the future of our planet. So how can we communicate to more than half the world that parenting involves maintaining a loving, sexual relationship with their partners? Though this may apply to men, I am specifically addressing this to women. Being a mother does not take precedence over your relationship with the father of your children.

Perhaps you could create a beautiful rite of passage ceremony from motherhood back to being a lover. What better role model could you give your children, than to be raised in a family where they see their mother and father not only in love with each other but showing their love. I mean kissing passionately, embracing each other, intimate pats and gentle playful caresses. Making sounds when you make love and not worrying about it. It is time to talk to your children about your love making so they know the sounds they are hearing are of joy and passion between their parents. How many of you, who are reading this, never saw your parents showing affection and passion in this way? Or. assumed your parents never made love? There is a lack of sex education that is undermining the health, well-being and very soul of our family structure. Women hold the most powerful healing creative force in the universe in their wombs. And men intuitively know this. They need to make love to us. They need to be inside that sacred space. Sexuality is spirituality.

When you place motherhood, the most sacred career any woman can embark on, above the sexual intimate love relationship with the father of your children, you are role-modeling a very dysfunctional relationship, and this breaks down the family unit.

You have a responsibility to learn, grow and change, thereby breaking out of the box of limitations you were raised in. You need to maintain a very high, active, sexually spiritual life not only for the benefit of your children, but also for the health and well being of you and your partner.

You have never been taught the true reason and purpose the Great Spirit created human beings, to have free will and choice with erogenous zones that do not lessen with age. It is your state of mind, lack of exploration and erotic limitations that kill your sex drive and armor your body so you do not have a positive physical response to love making. How to change this? Open the mind to all possibilities, explore worlds of sensuality that are outside your reality and feel alive again.

Spiritual evolution comes from sexual awakening. When you close down your sexuality; you are closing down your spiritual development. Like it or not, you cannot separate your spirituality from your sexuality, they are one in the same life force energy. If you have never experienced this, then truly you are missing the most powerful conversation with God possible. It is time women learn the truth about the sacredness of spiritual sexuality and the importance of honoring the powerful sex drive that must be nurtured, watered, and tended.

The well-being of the family unit requires the life force energy that originally created the children in the first place. Men and women must remain passionate lovers, first and foremost. All else will follow in beauty.

What Men Need to Know about Women What Women Need to Know about Men!

What Men Need to Know about Women
What Women Need to Know about Men!

By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Women for the most part are high maintenance, especially compared to men. Let me give you an image; women are like Grandmother Earth and men are like Grandfather Sun.

Imagine a rich plot of soil that never gets watered or tendered. This rich soil becomes dried, parched and cracked. Now to make a garden you need to turn the soil, fertilize it, mulch it, turn it, sculpt it into rows, plant seeds, water it, pull the weeds, water it and you watch for the tiniest green to show for all your effort. And if you continue to care for it, you have a delicious garden, which you now need to defend from the thieving squirrels, rabbits and other varmints that would like to steal your precious fruit. In other words your woman. We need lots of tender loving care. You cultivate us and we gladly give you our fruits, which you are usually very hungry for. Will a garden continue to produce and give tomatoes, peaches and sweet juicy surprises if you do not water it? Nope not on your life! Well, guess what: women won't either. Just because you get married or settle down nesting in one home does not mean you get to stop gardening.

There are women who no matter how attentive their husbands, boyfriends are, it does no good. Have you ever been digging in your yard or garden and hit hard rock? You can't even break it down with a drill. What do you do? Do you keep beating your head against a wall, for how long? All women are not healthy sexually or emotionally, just like all men are not. You have decisions to make.

Men are like the sun, burning bright 24/7 emanating and ejaculating rays of heat penetrating deep into the earth keeping her warm at her very core. Without this heat Grandmother Earth would be frozen. Grandfather Sun needs Grandmother Earth to receive him and the earth needs the sun to give to her. They are different and equal.

For a woman to keep a man happy she needs to Respect him and caress his cock in the morning, afternoon and night, fuck or suck him 3 to 5 times a week and tell him what she likes so he does not have to guess and be wrong. Men like to kiss, and be caressed also.

For a man to keep a woman happy he needs to Honor her. Please slow down and warm her up. Gently touch her whole body, caress her face, tell her he loves her and how beautiful she still is to him no matter how old and over weight she becomes. She enjoys spontaneous bouquets of flowers, lover cards and gifts. She likes to be kissed on her neck when lovemaking is not in sight. She needs to feel like she is the most important person in his life.

Never, never let sex drop out of your life. 
It is through intimacy that we heal ourselves 
and balance our masculine and feminine energy.

What Vaginas & Penises Would Say to Each Other

What Vaginas & Penises Would Say to Each Other
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I just performed, as one of the actresses, in the Vagina Monologues, a well-known theatre production. As an after thought I wondered what a Penis Monologue might sound like. I wondered what a Penis and Vagina conversation might sound like? Here are a few dialogues:

Penis, "Good morning honey, your skin is so soft."
Vagina, " Good morning dear, you say that every morning, you better go pee and get rid of that thing."

Penis, "I'm coming home for lunch today."
Vagina, "Do you want a snack or a full course meal?"

Penis, "Are you open for business yet!!?"
Vagina, "Not if you're in a hurry."

Do any of these dialogues sound familiar? What would your penis say if it could talk? Would it be telling the boys you had two touchdowns in one evening? Or the damn thing had a head of its own and would not listen to you. I liked her but he didn't. Would your penis be glowing from the velvety glove you got to slip into or would your penis be grumbling because it once again got the rough hand treatment.

What about you ladies? What would your vaginas be talking about? He turned the lights on and looked at me "down there" for the longest time. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. I always thought I looked ugly; of course I never really did look at It. Or is your vagina saying, if he would just SLOW down, I like to be touched with silky things, smooth and wet things not dry fingers.

Have you considered Sex Ed. 101, Quodoushka.com, for a refresher workshop? Do your penis and vagina still look at each other with that same glow of wonder and mystery? Or, does your penis wear jockey shorts and an old t-shirt. Is your vagina safely tucked into baggy torn underwear inside a baggy pair of sweatpants?

When was the last time you aired them out? You know, hang penis and vagina on the clothesline to get some fresh air and sunshine? Have you ever given it some thought that babies are born nude and love to run around nude outside in the fresh air and they giggle a lot when they do this?

Here are some other possible dialogues:

Penis to Vagina "Headache again!" "I don't care that the kids will hear." "Our anniversary is coming soon?" "Pleased to meet you, my place or yours?" "Oh my God, my God, what, am I hurting you? "You make me feel like a man again." "Boy, I needed that."

Vagina to Penis: "Again, how many times do you want it?" "Oh no, I just started my period." "Well come on in honey, the water is fine." "Do you have to work late again?" "Is there something wrong with me?" "You look cold, let me warm you up." Oh my god, oh my god just there, don't stop, keep going, ohh, I lost it. What, you don't mind; OK if you insist yes, yes take me over the top, oh yes!!! Wow, I had no idea how much I needed that."

I invite you to have a good heart to heart talk with your private parts. Are they happy? Are they getting the attention they desire? Have you locked the door and thrown away the key? What would it take to knock on the door and speak to your partner and yourself about the need for touch, intimacy, laughter, playfulness, passion in the middle of the day and in the bedroom? When are you going to start listening to the throbbing needs of your penis and vagina?

Relationship Agreements, Part I

Relationship Agreements, Part I
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

There are different types of relationships that are available to us. You can enjoy a committed closed monogamous or open relationship; open paired sharing, triad or "dating" also known as "free dancing".

Monogamy is certainly one of the most challenging relationships; therefore it can be one of the most rewarding. Most people have adopted monogamy because of their religious upbringing and it seemingly provides security. The fact is, for a monogamous relationship to last, it must go through many changes, which means death and renewal.

Within any relationship choice there are basic agreements, which are established by your higher self and honoring sacred law. These agreements are called Children's Fire Agreements, which come from the Mayan Traditions of Chuluaqui Quodoushka, teachings of spiritual sexuality.

These Children's Fire Agreements are also called the "Breath of Life" or " The Fire From Within" and for humans it is our internal knowing of how the universe is working. Two of the sacred laws that help protect and ensure future generations are " All things are born of Woman" and "Let nothing be done to harm the children."

When the Children's Fire has nothing to do with civil, social, religious or cultural laws: this is the way the universe is working. If you screw with this, you screw with the entire universe and the ability of life to recreate itself in a continuous and infinite spiral.

When you are going to make a relationship choice you are taking your Children's Fire into a usually unconscious agreement—5 agreements—so that you will stay in alignment with Sacred Law. It is about assuming authority, taking responsibility and stepping into your power if you are going to have a healthy happy relationship.

Remember that you are not making these relationship choices consciously; your higher self has made them. The Elders say, only way you can keep all these agreements is to stay in the now, emotionally, mentally, physically, spiritually and sexually.

How do you cross another's Children's Fire? When you willfully and deliberately with intent hurt another or yourself or when you stop another or yourself from growing and evolving.

The Five Monogamous agreements are:

  1. "I will hold with intimacy, gather together with this woman/man and care for one another, which kindles the Children's Fire.
  2. Each must accept the other as they are. You cannot try to make anyone else change to suit your needs. This makes love an act of power.
  3. Let go of the past completely. The past is brought up only when it is necessary to bring it into the now. You cannot change the past you can only learn from it.
  4. Loyalty is the willingness to forgive each other's transgressions. The sanctity of a relationship can only be broken with the willful intent to hurt oneself or the other.
  5. It is necessary to establish an Integrity Clause in your relationship meaning accept the other's choices for growth and reflect a clear mirror when your significant other is doing something that's blocking their growth. This is not guilt, blame, or shame, accusations or attacking. You do not have to like it and you still need to support their freewill to experience life and learn from it

Sex Is Mandatory, Not Optional

Sex Is Mandatory, Not Optional
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Sex is not an optional part of our lives. It is not something you can take or leave. It does not matter if you are single or married, heterosexual or homosexual. Sex is a viable part of your soul's experience on this earth.

Sex is a key to your spiritual self-growth and development. So for those of you who have decided that sex does not need to be a part of your life: you have just stopped your soul's evolution. Perhaps that does not matter to you. Do you think Spiritual Growth is only for religious people or students of theology? If you say yes to these questions you are wrong. Every person on this planet has a responsibility to evolve. This means challenging what you have been taught to find out if it is valid truth, “if it will grow corn”.

Do not believe anything anyone tells you, your parents, your religion, your government, your friends. Find out for yourself the valid truth. Your truth may be 180 degrees different then someone else’s. What is valid truth? How can you stand up against your religion or your family and decide what is true wisdom and knowledge not just a philosophy and a belief system that you were raised with? Truth goes beyond a personal prejudice or preference. Truth stands against the sands of time. Truth is a body knowing, not a mental memorization of someone’s theoretical constructs.

When it comes to Sex we have the most taboos, mythologies, misconceptions, outright lies and moral dogma laid upon us, as the politically correct way to live. If we honor what our body needs, which the Great Spirit God created, we would be breaking most of the rules and laws we learned from our parents, teachers, government and religions. Yes, there are still laws on the books that are very archaic and state what we should and should not be doing in the privacy of our own bedrooms. Religion decided to make our bodies, our sexual expression, a focus of moral issues that they have the answers to.

Great Spirit, God, made our bodies to feel wonderful, joyous, passionate, and ecstatic when we make love. Call it love making, fucking, or sacred sex, if you or your partner have pain, do not enjoy it or think it is not a necessary part of their life, then something is wrong! Get help even if the one who is refusing to be sexual or is hurting when you have sex, will not go with you to get help. One educated person is better then none.

You must love yourself enough to find the truth, to live the truth and touch glimpses of spiritual enlightenment when you engage in sexuality as an expression of your souls desire for spiritual freedom.

Getting Your Sexual Priorities Straight

Getting Your Sexual Priorities Straight
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Are you getting your sexual hungers fed?

When you desire to make love, where does it fall on your "to do list"?

To understand sexual hungers, we must broaden our definition of "sexual". It is more than simply having intercourse. "Sexual" integrates the emotional, mental, physical, and spiritual needs of a sacred human being.

To successfully feed our sexual hungers, we must change our priority list. What's at the top of your list? Does your work or career come first? After all, you do have to provide a roof over your head. Then there are the demands of family, either your own or extended. And what about the time it takes maintaining the home and handling chores like cleaning and shopping? When do you find time to play? You know - movies, concerts, plays, sporting events, hiking, skiing and shooting - the fun stuff in life. Where do these things fall on your life's priority list? Probably not too high up, if you're like most folks.

First Priority - Find Time for Sex 
When do you find time for sex? Between 10 p.m. and midnight when you are both so vibrant you cannot wait to jump into bed and make love for the next two hours? I don't think so. Sleeping and getting up early is the priority to start the cycle over again. According to the ancient teachings of Quodoushka, spiritual sexuality is what heals you and keeps you young. It should be first on your list of "things to do today." When we get our sexual needs met we are happier and more relaxed and we step into the "maximum efficiency with minimum effort" law. This simply means we get more done in less time with less effort. It does not take 8 hours to do a five-hour job.

Second Priority - Find Time for Yourself 
The ancient ones taught that there are only two things our soul needs: one, to learn (evolving into enlightenment) and two, to learn through pleasure. This may be working out, reading, and challenging your skills, talents and abilities, camping or attending concerts. Make a list of all the things that you love to do even if you have not done them in years. Remind yourself of how much pleasure you receive when doing these things, how much energy you gain when you're doing the things you love to do. Now, start doing them.

Third Priority - Get Your Work Done
That's right, put your work or career in the number three spot if you can force your hand to write it that far down on the "to do list". Think of it this way: after priorities one and two, you are now happy, satisfied, rejuvenated and ready to hit the pavement running. You will get more work done, be more successful and spend less time doing it. You will work smarter, not harder.

Shave It Off - Sex Appeal

SHAVE IT OFF - SEX APPEAL
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I was soaking in the jacuzzi at my gym. I'm the friendly type so I began talking with an older tired looking gentleman. We became "jacuzzi buddies". After he knew I was a sex therapist that was the topic, of course. He has a nice build, is definitely over 50, a scruffy 4 day beard, blue eyes that have lost their luster and a receding hairline that left him bald on top with a strip of short gray hair around his head.

 

  1. He retired from a high stress job and has no other purpose or passion in his life. First problem.
  2. He has a female friend he occasionally has sex with but she just lies there. Second problem.
  3. He was wondering how to attract other women. Third problem.

With his seeking "jacuzzi" advice, this opened the door for me to ask him some pretty challenging questions, like "What the hell are you doing with the rest of your life? You probably have 30 more years to live." By his eyes I could see he had been giving up. He had never been asked a question like that before. He would have to think about it.

First solution: Get a life.

Problem two: woman! How much was my "jacuzzi pal" going to let me confront his reality? I went for it. I told him I had never seen him clean-shaven. I acknowledged that shaving before working out does not make a lot of sense. I thought he was trying to grow a beard. He said he would go for days without shaving, "no reason to shave", he stated. Oops - another opening. "So when you go out, where you could flirt a little, this is what you look like?" He hemmed and hawed and said he always wore nice clothes. "That helps and I would like to see you clean-shaven," I said. The next time we ran into each other at the gym I did not recognize him. I told him, more then once how good he looked. He was glowing.

Second solution: Change something!

Another day in the jacuzzi talking about his lack of sex. I risked asking him if he had ever considered shaving his head? "No, why should I?" He again defended himself. " I keep it short."

OK: any young or mature man reading this who is faced with loss of hair, consider letting it go.

Some men have a full wavy head of locks. As it turns silver the man looks even more dashing. Some men begin to lose their hair at a young age. Between stress and genetics it's just the toss of the coin.

Mirror, mirror on the wall, do you think you look sexy? If the answer is Yes, great, feel it, be it and do not change a thing. If the answer is No, you do not look or feel sexy then do something about it. Shave that wonderful head.

Third Solution: Shave it off, take it off, take it all off.

There is something alluring and magnetic, that draws a woman to caress that "silky smooth, slick round hard head". It is sooo sexy. This man stands out in the crowd. They are different. Their statement to the world is one of independence, confidence and sex appeal. I have never met a stranger who would not let me fondle his head.

Sacred Sex is Outside the Box

SACRED SEX IS OUTSIDE THE BOX
By Ina Lauging Winds M.A. M.F.C.C.

Sacred spiritual sexuality is thinking outside the box of social and religious training. It is having enough confidence in yourself to trust the naturalness of your core being.

Your core being is discovered through creative, spontaneous acts of self-expression. The creative act doesn't fulfill the ego but rather changes its nature. Your ego changes through creative acts of originality. It is easy to copy another or follow someone else's rules. But to be original, to have an original thought is a challenge. Most of you never live up to your potential. You do not access the core of your being. You are far greater then you ever wished yourself to be. It takes energy to be creative. Every time you would like to make love and do not, you lose energy! You could be gaining if you started to say yes instead of no. There is energy to be harvested if you are open to the moment.

The power of the individual must come together with the power of the moment. When we fill our lives with overbearing obligations, debt, and busyness then we cannot see the unseen or touch the unexpected moments of power. These moments do not wait for us. They do not return when we are not busy.

Spiritual sexuality is not an external set of breathing techniques, nor a book of detailed exercises, though all this does help. Spiritual Sexuality is an internal quest to become something more then what your culture, and your personal world says you can be. It is a driving force within you that hungers for the unusual, not for the sake of being different, but because genius and sacred sexuality lies in the outreaches of ones mind, body, spirit and soul. It takes unbridled passion surrendering to the forces of nature that created you. It pushes you, draws you, and seduces you to explore the forbidden reality of conscious intimacy.

Sacred spiritual sexuality intrudes upon your calm peaceful love life to shake up your world, to leave you knowing, there must be more! The question is, are you willing to do the arduous work of self-expression. Are you willing to explore mentally the limitations and boundaries you have accepted as normal? Are you willing to speak your truth even as it changes? Are you willing to seek the power that being sexually free will grant you? Are you willing to assume authority and be spiritually accountable and liberate yourself to discover the core of your being. Do you know the true meaning and purpose of your life? Not what somebody said you should be doing but something that makes each and every day an event in your life. No matter what the day presents, if it is taking the garbage out or writing a book. Are you living spontaneously with originality and accountability as a sexually free and spiritual human being?

Starting Over

Starting Over
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Many of you have a relationship that is loving and passionate with good communication. Let everyday be like the first time you chose to love each other. Start over with flowers, lover cards and special little things that carry you from one decade to the next.

Some of you have decided it is better to live alone, not lonely, and enjoy every day than to be in an ongoing dispute with a significant other. Start each day with a prayer of gratitude and stating your desires for your continued growth and bottom line what you choose to have in your ongoing friendships. You still need to make love, be held and feel passion.

Some of you have given it your best shot and with the end of the holidays and the New Year upon us are seriously considering starting over. You can start over in two ways.

Starting Over Choice One: You can let go of the past disagreements and hurts and actually forgive your self and your partner. Remember we are humans and make mistakes, which is how we learn. Eventually we can learn by watching others make mistakes and avoid the same pitfalls. We are not seeking perfection; we are perfectly seeking. This means learning, growing and apologizing when we have out-stretched our ability or have had a lapse of conscious behavior.

If you have been with the same partner for more then 5 years and are happy, then loving and forgiving self and others must be a part of your daily commitment.

Starting Over Choice Two: How do you close one door and open another? How do you end a relationship with kindness and respect, maintaining one's dignity while dividing the family finances, home, cars and unfortunately children? How do you end what was once a healthy, happy relationship? (I am not speaking about a dysfunctional, physically abusive, drug/alcoholic relationship).

  1. Do not wait till you are so angry you hate your spouse.
  2. Never lose respect for each other. You have differences; one is not better than the other, though you may feel this. You are both right and you are both wrong.
  3. You are losing the dream of what you thought this relationship was going to be. You stopped enjoying each other a long time ago. It is the lost dream that hurts, not the separation.
  4. The separation of your material things is just that: material things. Do not financially rape each other.
  5. If there are no children you are lucky.
  6. If there are children be honest with them. Always honor the parent that no longer lives with you; do not make yourself right at the expense of the other parent. Because, bottom line, it is at the expense of your children, not your ex-spouse.
  7. Take the time to figure out everything you learned from this relationship. These learnings are the building blocks for a future better love.
  8. Be specific with what you learned from your Ex or soon to be ex-partner. Tell them how important it was for them to be in your life so you could learn these lessons.
  9. Give them a very nice gift and say thank you. You may need to first feel humble realizing how much you have grown as a result of dealing with them in this relationship.
  10. Let go of the past and dream a new future. You can have the type of relationship you have always wanted.

The New Year is an opportunity to evaluate the old, change what is not working and put your attention on the life you are choosing to create every moment of every day with your thoughts, ideas, dreams and desires. What you think is what you create. Put some action with your thoughts and let each day be new and profound.

Stop Circumcisions

Stop Circumcisions
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Have you ever questioned why male infants have their foreskin cut off? Have you ever wondered why your foreskin was taken? Have you ever attended this ceremony in the grandparents' home or been in a hospital and heard the blood-curdling scream of your male child when a surgical knife is taken to that most intimate part of their body? A nurse friend recently told me it is a sound she can never forget.

Why is this ancient rite still being done? It has its origins in religion. It started over 4000 years ago with Abraham and Sarah. As the story goes God told them to cut the foreskin off their male child. This was a "Covenant with God." Thereby all Jewish boys were to be known in this way different from gentiles, meaning Christians.

What does this have to do with Spiritual Sexuality? There are two stories here that relate.

Story One: 
You are in the hospital with the male child being restrained so not to bump the surgical knife while the doctor does the quick cut of the foreskin. The child is now screaming, though it has been stated that the finer nerves at the end of the penis have not fully developed yet. Upon completion the female nurse soothes the child. So now we have the masculine child in fear and pain. No more then 24 hours old. Leaving the sanctity and safety of the womb to have the most precious part of his body cut off. And they say, the baby does not remember the pain. So they think. His initial introduction into life may be at the root cause of the war between the sexes.

It has been scientifically proven that infants in the womb play with their genitals as well as cry. Caressing one's genitals, no matter the age, creates a soothing feeling. I wonder what having one's foreskin cut off creates?

Story two: 
Imagine you are in the Grandparents' home to attend this special event. The male child is 8 days old. This is the traditional time when this ceremony takes place. A very special honor is to be chosen as the "Sandag" or Godfather who holds your male child tightly so as he cannot wiggle or squirm. The "Mohel," a trained religious person who is very well skilled at what he does, soaks a piece of gauze in a bit of wine and has the baby suck on it to act as an anesthetic, to numb the child. Nothing is placed on the foreskin - after all, the fine nerves have not yet developed. The "Mohel" ceremonially, using a surgical knife, quickly cuts the foreskin off. The baby yells at this violation of his tender body and is placed in the arms of his mother to be soothed and suckled. And after all the baby does not remember the pain.

First, as a disclaimer, I was raised Jewish.

I recently spoke with two different Rabbis for this article that will remain anonymous. One of the Rabbis said, you can look at the medical reasons also; circumcision seems to be quite common no matter your religion. It is now done as standard practice because the medical profession says it keeps the man cleaner and there are fewer incidences of cancer for both men and women! Cancer?! What about washing with soap and water. Open the lips, pull the foreskin back, a little child education goes a long way.

The stories go on and on.

I just spoke with a medical professional. The circumcision is done in their office 2 weeks after the baby is born. It hurts, the baby cries and they use a very light anesthetic given in two shots on either side of his penis at the base near the belly. And the baby does not remember the pain - or does he?

One Rabbi said it is so common that you have to consider whether you want your boy child to be in the gym class and look different then all the other boys. So now circumcision is about fitting in, belonging and conforming. Peer pressure and religion - nice combination.

I just did a google search on male circumcision. Please take the time and educate yourself.

What does circumcision have to do with one's sexuality and one's connection to spirit? The brain does not forget anything. It goes to the subconscious then unconscious. Our cellular structure carries all memory. It has been proven with Hypnosis and NLP.

The male anger at the feminine begins with this first violation of their penis. The cellular conflict of needing to be known as a sexual man with a firm erection and as a baby being placed in the arms of a woman after having it cut off. You tell me, is there deep seeded confusion here?

It is through our sexual energy that we feel one with God Great Spirit. Something magickal happens a sense of peace and tranquility resides in the aftermath of our orgasmic bliss. But, your first experience of your penis at birth was to have it cut off. You tell me, is there a problem here?

Sexual Compatibility Takes Two

Sexual Compatibility Takes Two
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

If she does not like the same things sexually as you like, do not try and change her. It won't work. If you love oral sex and she is OK with it, after 5 years you will never get head again. If you have a strong sex drive and she does not, she will not develop one with time. She will eventually think you are over sexed and something is wrong with you. Have you tried to wine her, dine her, romance her and nothing works? Everything I have stated in the male perspective is the same for women. If the woman is the more open and sexual one in the partnership, she too will be sexually frustrated.

How do you resolve sexual incompatibility when:

  1. It used to be great and now it is not.
  2. It was never that good.
  3. You love her/him but there is no sex life.
  4. You have given up trying to talk about it.
  5. You do not know if you want to deal with it because you have been taking care of your intimacy needs elsewhere, and she/he likes sex, unlike your partner.

Why is it so difficult to talk openly and honestly about sex and one's sexual needs? If you have not established this intimate type of conversation even after 30 years of a committed relationship talking about S E X can be one of the most difficult topics to broach.

Why should you risk the wrath of your partner? Are you looking at weeks of the cold shoulder if you bring it up one more time? Are you afraid of divorce and do not want to upset the apple cart? Are you willing to never have your sexual needs met? Are you a martyr, stoic in your sexual deprivation? Have you realized that you probably have another 25 to 30 years to live, Without Sex or Intimacy! Have you thought about having an affair or have you had one and will take it to your grave before hurting your partner?

Why is it more prevalent to have an affair, to lie and cheat than to speak to your partner and ask for one of two things? You both educate yourself sexually and reawaken your intimacy and sexual passion for each other OR you allow your partner to be sexual outside the relationship with full knowledge, safe sex practices and honesty.

It is difficult to challenge the values you were raised with. It takes an individual to free think outside the social, religious and political box. Establishing a healthy loving relationship takes maturity, good communication skills, and the willingness to grow and change and spiritually evolve. This may or may not look like something you are familiar with. Bottom line is you and your partner will become closer for having gone through the healing crisis that honest talk usually invokes. OR you will separate which brings a crisis that will allow you to establish an honest relationship with yourself and future lover whom you will choose carefully to be sure they love the same things sexually that you do.

INA Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C. is a marriage/relationship counselor resolving sexual problems. She has been on HBO Real SEX in America, the Good Sex Guide Abroad UK and Sex TV Canada. She has a private practice dealing with issues of erectile dysfunction, early or delayed ejaculation, loss of sex drive, aging, and teaches female ejaculation and non-orgasmic solutions. 
Call Now 623 465-9151 9:30 a.m. to 6:00 p.m.

Sex Sex Sex

Sex Sex Sex
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Men - have you been told by your wife or a lover that you are too small? She watches porn then looks at you and says I want one like that, pointing to the jock in the film? Have you been told you are not a good lover? Have you considered hiring a hunk for your wife to satisfy her? Are you using one of those plastic suction units that swear it will help stretch your cock out?

Stop, stop, stop!!! Only 10% of the male population has a dong like John Hung Low. 60% of men have an average cock of 6 inches long with a nice thick girth, enough to keep any girl very happy. And yes, 10% of the male population has a cock that is less then 6 inches and the girth is small. These men tend to have very sweet Ejaculative fluid, easy on the taste buds, a cock that does not chock woman as they give head and they will ejaculate10 to 12 times. This is beginning to sound good. 10% are very very thick and 6 + inches and 10% are thinner then the average man but longer.

If you are want to please your woman then become a better lover with your mouth, fingers and yes even your cock. Most women do not orgasm during intercourse. They enjoy it - that full feeling of their man sliding into them - but for the big bang they need oral stimulation, finger play, breast and g-spot stimulation and many need a vibrator. And ladies do not get to used to a vibrator - no man can compete with it.

Some women have learned how to have orgasms while having intercourse. It is a wonderful feeling. When a woman knows how to work her PC muscles she can grip a man small or large and bring herself to orgasm with the help of a good lover.

Size may matter to some. What is more important is being a good lover which gives you confidence. Men with a large package tend to rely on their size to please the woman instead of learning to be a sensitive sensual lover. (This is true for many but of course not all.) Men with a smaller package take the time to learn the fine nuances of being a good lover. Guess which one most women want. Give me a good lover any day. A man who will bring me to orgasm no matter what it takes: a man who is being attentive to my complicated sexual orgasmic needs.

Believe it or not what women look for is a man who is confident in himself, has a good sense of humor, and will treat her with honor and we women need to treat men with respect. And it takes two good lovers to be great lovers.

Honey, I Want to Talk about Our SEX LIFE!

Honey, I Want to Talk about Our SEX LIFE!
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

If you spoke to your wife/girlfriend and told them you wanted to improve your sex life:

  • Would they tell you they were happy with your performance and question your desire to seek help?
  • Do you have early or premature ejaculation and your wife/girlfriend says she doesn't mind.
  • Do you want to improve your sexual skills to make her happier? You want to learn how to last longer. She says there's nothing wrong.
  • Do you have the type of relationship where you can talk about anything, except sex?
  • Would you like to be able to enjoy 20 + minutes of foreplay and then 20 – 40 minutes of intercourse and have total control over your ejaculatory response, but are not sure your partner would support you in this?

As a marriage counselor and teacher of sexuality, I know that the above statements are more common then anyone wants to admit. The husband/boyfriend is not happy with their sexual performance; he loves his partner and wants to improve. The wife/girlfriend sees no problem and feels threatened. She will not attend a sex therapy session. She does not want her husband/boyfriend to seek help either. What is the seeking partner to do? Does the denying one really expect their partner to acquiesce? Will the feelings and problems go away or just be swept under the rug?

Did you enter your relationship with the intent to be honest, loving, and trustworthy? Are you being put in a double bind, dammed if you do and dammed if you don't? Either way, the seeker is the loser, causing the friction in the relationship by asking for sexual growth and education. Or worse they pretend it does not matter to them, which is being dishonest with onesself. Has the husband/boyfriend decided to seek help with or without the approval of their beloved? Perhaps they will not even broach the subject because they do not dare risk the emotional nightmare, punctuated with an adamant NO!

If you are at the beginning of your relationship and this is your reality I would say rock the boat now and speak what you have to. Establish honesty no matter what. If you are not willing to do this then read a book or take a class on assertion training. A great book is "The Way of The Superior Man" by David Deida. As a last resort, get out and start all over. But first establish for yourself the ground rules of how you choose to be in relationships and do not settle for less.

If you have been married a long time and have established a working, loving friendship and have no intention of leaving this wonderful person, you just wish you could work out the sex part, you have some serious decisions to make. I always recommend honesty, a good heart to heart talk about your sex life and be ready for a healing crises and make good agreements about sex education. What many men decide to do is seek help, improve their skills and be a better lover for their partner and never tell her. The choice is yours.

The Talking Stick

The Talking Stick
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Communication is one of the most challenging and important aspects of a relationship. We learn that most of us, most of the time, think we are listening to the other, until it is time for us to repeat the essence of what was spoken. Then we have a different understanding of what was said and what we thought we heard. Have you ever been in a conversation, talked about it at a later time with the individual, and they do not remember you saying half of what you said? Or you do not remember ever making that statement or agreement which they swear you did? You were in the same room during that previous conversation, just different countries or realities.

Sometimes I think the only way we can be accountable for what we or others say is to write it down, date it and have it notarized. I know this seems like an extreme, but some of our arguments become extreme, trying to prove who was right, and of course you were the accurate one. Well maybe you were, or maybe you weren't. Bottom line, when you are trying to win an argument, no one wins. A win/lose situation does not lend itself to intimacy or a desire to be closer. If I am always losing to my partner, or he to me, this creates a wedge that separates, and resentments build. So how do we resolve this dilemma? Our English language, at best, can be misinterpreted by a glance, intonations of the voice, or an innocent plea of "I didn't mean that."

Making a Talking Stick
Here is a suggestion which comes from the ancient Native People of Turtle Island, as taught to me by my teacher Harley Swiftdeer, the Nagual Thunder Strikes, of the Deer Tribe: make a Talking Stick. This is how:

  • Whoever lives in your household should participate, from the smallest to the oldest. If you are roommates, then gather together and go for a nature walk and find a branch that has fallen from a tree. Do not "saw" one off. When you find a beautiful branch on the ground, thank the tree for its give away. You can give a pinch of tobacco, blue corn meal or even your own spit or hair from your own head to the base of the tree.
  • Take the branch home and add your love to it. You can remove the bark and see the beautiful moist wood under it. Let it dry in a natural state.
  • You want to put the worlds of grandmother onto the talking stick. Tie them on or wrap them. Place a stone or crystal from the mineral world, some fur or feathers from the sweet medicine animal world, the stick is from the plant world and you the holder are the human world. If you have children, invite them to place something of theirs on the stick (you may end up with a toy dinosaur hanging from it).
  • Place the talking stick on the West wall so the smallest person in the house can reach it.

Using the Talking Stick
When the talking stick is picked up and presented to you it means STOP what you are doing. What needs to be spoken is important and it is difficult, which is why the talking stick is being used. It gives strength and grounding to the individual holding it. Do not abuse the talking stick. Be sure everyone understands the reason to use it and to honor it. One uses the Talking Stick to Speak the Unspeakable.

Sit across from each other. The Talking Stick is held so one end of it is firmly planted on the ground. The person holding the stick begins by stating their feelings. Speak in short paragraphs, so the other person can repeat the essence of what you just said. The way this works is: I speak one paragraph, then we hold the talking stick together, lengthwise between us; take a deep breath together, looking into each other's eyes, exhale and release the stick. The breath and eye contact are important; it means you are both willing to stay present.

The person who is listening will repeat the essence only. Do not add in your own response at this time. And ask, was that correct? Give the stick back to the person who began, and let that person make another statement, or repeat what was just said in another way if you did not get it correct. Remember to keep it short. Now repeat the process of handing the stick, breathing, and the essence being repeated. You go back and forth in this manner until person number one has completed saying what is on their mind. Then the other individual gets to respond using the same method, one paragraph at a time.

As you can see, this really slows down the process. Sometimes we say things that we did not mean to say. The talking stick gives you an opportunity to correct yourself in the moment, to be sure your partner is really hearing you and not busy in their own brain thinking up what they want to say in defense or in retaliation. Of course none of us do this!

Most of the time we simply want to know our partner hears us. They do not need to fix anything. If something does need to be re-negotiated then you both have heard the other's issue and are better prepared to create a win/win solution. Remember there are 8 ways of doing any one thing correctly. Do not spend more than one hour with the talking stick. If you have not come up with a better solution, then get a third person who is experienced in the talking stick to sit in and mentor the process at another time.

To Be or Not To Be .......Myself

To Be or Not To Be .......Myself
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

What kind of integrity do you have with your lover(s) or partner(s)? Are you dishonest because you do not want to rock the boat, hurt their feelings or possible lose a long term loving but sexless relationship? How many times did you make a decision without consulting them in regards to what they would or would not be sexually open to? You assume you know what they will say and how they will feel. So you just don't go down that track. Or you've gone down it with always the same response from them "NO", so you've given up. They do not know who you are sexually. And what if they really did know , would they call you perverted? Would they still love you or want to have a relationship with you? Has this already happened to you?
These are some tough questions. Do you risk being honest when you are first dating? How about after many years in a relatively good relationship? Can you break the truth to your partner?

Some individuals decide never to tell their partners that they love wild sex. That they need a more adventuresome sex life. Tie me down, blind fold me and have your way with me....please. So many couples just are not honest with each other. It is usually because one partner is more "straight" then the other. Or let's say indoctrinated by our religious and social system into thinking that sex is over rated, oral sex is dirty or after children it is just not that important. Can you imagine there are men and women who go through life never, and I mean never, experiencing the joy of giving or receiving oral sex because one partner says it is dirty. Or the woman receives but refuses to reciprocate.

Why does the partner that is less sexually educated, with the limited imagination and lower sex drive control the drivers seat in the relationship? In business, would you allow the less experienced partner to run the show? You would soon lose your business if you did. Why then do you allow your personal sex life to be run by the more limited, fear based partner?
There are no easy answers to these questions. But if you are in these situations you must ask yourself if this is truly how you want to spend the rest of your life?

Some individuals decide to talk to their partners. Do not allow yourself to be put off, do not take no for an answer. Many individuals do not deal with confrontation very well so they back down at the first signs of resistance. Get over it! Learn to talk, to communicate with the most important person in your life besides yourself, your partner. If you don't ask for what you want you will never get it. At least if you ask you have a 50/50 chance of getting it. 
A partner who refuses to negotiate for a renewal in their romantic sex life is stupid. They have just told their partner to either cheat or die inside. You guess which one will win out.

If you chose to " do without" your basic sexual human needs, eventually it will catch up with you. You reach your 50's or 60's and bust out. Dying for confirmation that you are still a desirable human being , you cheat. This may mean having a lover. Some men will have been attending to their sexual needs with sensual massages including a "release". There is no mutual touching and this soon feels shallow. A worse fate is you lose your desire to live and you die much younger then you need to. But before you die physically, your spirit dies. Sounds like a great marriage doesn't it?

A sex therapist working with a sexual surrogate partner can help differentiate between a sexual dysfunction as a result of medication or surgery (which may be corrected) or a sexual dysfunction caused from lack of use, spontaneity, frequency, passion, desirability and variety which P can be reversed. Age, for men and women, plays a minor role in an individuals sex drive and function. Being intimate and sexual is the key to vitality and rejuvenating our self at the cellular level.

Wake Up, Girlfriend!

Wake Up, Girlfriend!
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I cannot begin to tell you how many male clients I have who have been faithful to their wives after years of marriage with no sexual relations. The men have a sex drive, or used to. That is why they come to me, a SEX THERAPIST, to find out what is wrong!

They have talked to their wives repeatedly. They do not want a divorce, usually for two reasons, children and finances. They want to be an active parent, raising their children. Or they cannot financially afford a divorce.

Most of the time, these men like and love their wives. Their wives are good women, companions and friends but there is just no sex. It did not begin that way. The first 10 years or so of marriage were very sexually satisfying to both partners, according to the men. If we assume their perspective is accurate, what happened?

Girlfriend, wake up! Do you really understand that when you refuse to have sex with your husbands that you are almost guaranteeing infidelity?

When you find out he is getting sensual massages or has a sexual friend on the side, you get to be justified in your anger. He broke his marriage vows to you. Forget the fact that you broke them first by not caring and sharing your intimate life with him. A relationship is about Mutual Benefit and Welfare. How selfish is it for one partner, male or female, to refuse sex to the other partner? It is the most caring, intimate expression of love. We as a human race need touch, intimacy, food, water, shelter, clothing and orgasms. These are basic needs!

Girlfriend, why do you refuse to be intimate or have sex with the man you love, the father of your children, your best friend? Was he that bad a lover? Or have you just lost interest? The saying, "if you don't use it, you lose it," is true for men and women.

Please, do not stop learning. Open your minds and heart to your partner. It could save you both years of grief.

Perhaps these two suggestions will give you a place to begin. One, attend the movie " What the Beep!!!!!! Do We Know". It will take you into and beyond the sexual questions into Quantum Physics for the layman. It is a life-changing movie. You will understand the importance of sex, as a life energy. You can find it on line. It is playing at a Harkins Art Theater, currently at 101 & Greenway, Arrowhead Mall.

Two, though I do not agree with her political and religious principals I have not read a better book on relationships then The "Care and Feeding of Husbands" by Dr. Laura Schlessinger. Stop......just buy it and read it.

Last but not least, Sisters, if you love him unconditionally and do not want to have sex then give him permission to take care of his basic sexual needs, in a safe and confidential manner. Do not make him lie and cheat then blame him for his infidelity.

We Don't Talk About Sex

We Don't Talk About Sex
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.
Sex Counselor A.A.S.E.C.T. Certified

Does this sound familiar? We don't talk about sex. I think we have a good life. We love each other, enjoy our family, and talk about other issues; money, bills, kids, the holidays. You know all the things that come up in a long-term relationship. But we never really ever talked about sex. It use to be good. We made love 2-3 times a week then after the kids were born it dropped off to 1or 2 times a week then sometimes we did not make love for weeks even months. We were both tired, working, raising a family. We just let sex slip away.

But now I want it back. I miss the intimacy and the lovemaking and I cannot tell you how long it has been since we made love. Oh we hold hands, kiss each goodbye or goodnight but neither on of us even sleeps nude anymore. I tried talking about having more sex but she says we are older now and it is not that important. We both work full time and the kids are still a handful.

It seems like our sex life just faded away and she does not seem to care. I am starting to have erectile problems and you know what they say, "if you don't use it you lose it". I don't want to have an affair. I have gotten a few massages with happy endings just to tie me over but that is pretty empty. I want to have sex with the woman that I love. I want to be intimate with my wife. But she just doesn't get it. And I don't get why sex is not as important to her as it is to me.

Oh she says OK, but let's not take too long. That's like telling me to get it over with while she lies there and looks at the ceiling. I would rather not have sex at all then to get my needs met without her passion and enjoyment. Her pleasure is a big part of why I enjoy making love. I do not need to get my rocks off like when I was a teen. I need loving intimate caring passion from the woman I love.

This is a very common story. I hear it more from male clients then females but it can be true for either one. So what is the solution? All your conversations have gone on deaf ears. 

  1. First, Schedule a time away from the house for an afternoon, preferable in Nature. Prime yourself to be strong. Think of yourself as a large oak tree and she is Mother Nature. She may try to blow you down but you are not going to budge.
  2. Second, Give her a gift to show her your love and appreciation for all she has done, raising the kids, loving you… etc.
  3. Third, Tell her you need to have a very serious talk with her, make eye contact and reach out and touch her arm, or hold her hand. Physical gentle touch is important to get her attention.
  4. Fourth, do not sugar coat what you have to say. Be direct, for Example, "I am very unhappy with the lack of intimacy, touching, lovemaking in our life. I cannot imagine going 40 more years this way let along 6 more months. I am at a loss and we need to solve this together. I do not want to get massages with happy endings; I do not want to have an affair. I want you in every way including sexual. These were the marriage vows we took. And I want us to honor them."
  5. Fifth, how she responds will determine what happens next. You must create agreements with time frames so you can track if anything is changing or sliding back into the old non-sexual pattern. What does she need, what do you need. The more specific you are the better chance you have for positive results.
  6. Sixth, think of your sex life like a business. If you do not schedule appointments you won't close the deals. Spontaneity takes place within the appointed time frames.
  7. Seventh, if all this fails you need outside help from a sex counselor. And she will be more apt to listen to a female counselor then a male.

There are 2 Bottom lines; One, do not accept a sexless marriage Two, if she refuses then open the marriage up so you can get your needs met safely without lying and cheating.

What Is Love?

What Is Love?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

The difference between a male and a female approach to sex and love may be stated: Men will love to get sex and women have sex to get love. We can have sex without love and love without sex. But when you bring these two together, it creates a formula that can move mountains. So, let us redefine the word "love." Love is the greatest power in the universe and this is its formula:

L Loyalty to your own Soul's self-growth and development
O Offer support and strength without rescuing
V Validate, do not assume you know what the other is thinking or feeling
E Express and take responsibility for your emotions

Loyalty 
If you don't honor your own self-growth and development, resentments build and you may end up blaming your partner because your life is unfulfilled. Your partner probably never asked you to do half the things you do. You created your life and only you can change it. What good does it do to be loyal to everyone else when you begin to hate your own life? You are here for your soul's evolution. What are you doing about it? Do not use this as an excuse to abandon your responsibilities. Renegotiate with yourself and change one thing at a time. Love means being loyal to yourself and others.

Offering Support 
Most people care so much that they try and prevent loved ones from going through the same hurts they went through. You rescue them, making you feel needed. Your partner may accept it because, after all, that is who you are and they love you. They may not like how you are always trying to rescue them, but they can't get you to change without a fight. Remember you can offer support but you each have your lessons to learn in life and you must walk your own individual path.

Validate 
There is nothing sadder than after 25 years of marriage thinking that you know each other. You have lost all dignity and respect for your partner because you assume you know what your partner is feeling and thinking. You have learned to read the roll of his eyes or the sigh of her frustration. And, of course, after all these years, you no longer need to ask your partner what is going on because you think you already know. As a marriage counselor the first thing I tell couples is, "You don't know a damn thing about each other. Otherwise you would not be so unhappy, and stuck and in my office." Stop assuming and start talking. Validate and be open to listen to them, not to your inner dialogue. This is an act of love.

Express 
Emotions are e-energy in motion. When you become emotional you are nullifying your energy. Have you ever become so angry you could not think? After the fact you thought of all sorts of wonderful thing you could have said. All of your feelings are valid. Expressing just one is out of balance. Your energy motion is like the waters of grandmother earth. There are soft moving streams, white rapids. waterfalls, deep pensive lakes and vast oceans. Can you express all these forms of energy, or is frozen snow your sole expression? Ask your partner if you are not sure. They know!

What Is Spiritual Sexuality?

What Is Spiritual Sexuality?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Most people have never heard the term Spiritual Sexuality. It is a foreign concept to them. As there is a division between government and church, so have churches created the division between sexuality and spirituality. Sexuality is like the poor man's cousin that has been relegated to the far corner, hoping with enough time it will just go away. There is some unfortunate truth to this dictate. With aging and lack of education as to the importance sexuality plays in the health and well-being of the human body and spirit, we lose our passion, desire and drive to be an active sexual person. We shrivel up and die way before our time. This is not a pleasant thought but it is a truthful one. So what are we going to do about this?

When given half a chance, an individual has an innate knowing in their soul that sexuality is sacred. No matter what anyone has told them, their life experience has given them other information. And they seek to find the truth. Often times the truth comes after they have had to seek healing from sexual abuse, molestation, rape or dysfunctional relationships. But the truth will be found if the seeker is looking.

In its simplest definition, spiritual sexuality means that through the intimacy of engaging sexually one can connect to something greater than themselves. One can connect directly to spirit, to the Great Spirit. The conscious act of sexuality opens the soul to giving and receiving life force energy. This life force energy heals us at the cellular level. It replenishes our soul and brings meaning to our everyday life.

Sharing the passions of the soul as expressed through the physical temple culminating in joyous orgasm is a journey that no other experience on earth can give you. Some are close, like sky diving, skiing, surfing, mountain climbing or shooting. These are sports done alone. None allow you to touch God in the way spiritual sexuality connects you intimately to another human being. There is something truly magickal that allows the individuals to feel the power of spirit. With this awakening there is nothing that one can not accomplish which includes becoming a better skydiver, surfer, mountain climber, or shooter.

Sexuality is more than the act of intercourse. It is being present in the moment, in the physical body, to the energies that are abundant in the universe, and knowing or feeling your connection to the Everything which includes your partner.

The energy that flows through all matter is known as the river of life that courses through our blood and the very core of Grandmother Earth. To try and separate or differentiate this life force energy into sexuality and spirituality is ludicrous. It is one and the same. When we cut ourselves off from this truth we experience empty lovemaking, poor sex, i.e. ejaculation without orgasm, sex without gaining energy, loneliness and spiritual desolation. Then we wonder, what's wrong?

Well, what is wrong is, we have lost our spiritual connection. No one ever told us that our sexuality is an expression of our spirituality. It is more than just the body releasing and it is more than just two people being spiritual together. It is the culmination, the totality of heart, body, mind, spirit and soul rejoicing in the life force energy that is abundant and waiting for us to bask in it and become greater than, to evolve into a truly spiritual sexuality sacred human being.

 

Why Are We Sexually Incompatible with Our Chosen Partner?

Why Are We Sexually Incompatible with Our Chosen Partner?
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

Why do we pick the wrong partners sexually and what can we do about it? Or…We used to have a great sex life and now we are great friends.

What happens when the love is alive but the sex has died? Usually one partner has lost their sexual desire. The other partner patiently hopes that something will change with time and the sex life will kick back in. Five will get you ten, that this will not happen! The less sex one has, the less they desire it when they have a low sex drive. It becomes a bother. There is not enough time. It is too late at night and both are tired. So one month after another passes and before they know it, sex is not a regular part of their life but a long-sought-after occasional activity.

Most partners do not want to rock the boat. They have mentioned " it" and did not get a response. Or there was a week or two when some activity took place but it fell back into the old routine. When the other is not meeting one partner's sex drive, there will be a closing down of intimacy and resentment. This can end in an affair or divorce. The paradox for most people is that they still love each other and get along in all the other ways.

Here are a few problems we can look at. I will be very blunt in my communication.

  1. You are a lousy lover (male or female). Your partner can't stand your lack of prowess and skill and prefers not to have sex with you at all. So when they do, out of guilt because they do love you, feel lucky. It is a pain in their ass and heart to be with someone for so long - years - and you still don't know how to make love to them.
  2. You have told your partner over and over in nice ways, in sexy ways, finally in frustrated ways with a bit of edge to your voice, or even downright anger, how to touch you, suck you, or fuck you and they don't do it. Call it short-term memory loss or more accurately passive aggressive unconscious denial. They do not want to eat your pussy or suck your cock even if they say they are trying to learn. The proof is in the pudding. Anyone can learn, once the deep-seated block is released.
  3. You or your partner won't go outside the cultural/religious indoctrinated box. All your wisdom and maturity in other arenas in your life goes out the window when it comes to sex. There is sex therapy (find a good one who's outside the box) and sexual surrogate partners. There are sexuality workshops from Quodoushka Spiritual Sexuality Training to Tantra seminars.

Educate yourself. Sexuality is the only arena where we cannot do an internship as a form of learning. We cannot have a coach in practice or learn a new skill with a professional teacher. No other arenas in life expect us to have a level of mastery, which requires continual performance, and no way to get the training required. The Definition of Insanity is doing the same thing and expecting a different result. Change any one thing. Seek experiential knowledge. Get help.

Women Get Horney, Too!

Women Get Horney, Too!
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.
Sex Counselor A.A.S.E.C.T. Certified

Have you ever considered that your woman is not getting enough sex? Have you ever thought that she would like to make love every day and you are the one who is too tired? Have you worried about keeping up with your woman, fear she may find someone younger, more virile then you?  You are not the only one that worries about being sexual enough, long enough, big enough or can last more then 5 minutes, to keep your woman happy.

It is in the heart of most men to want to satisfy their partner. It brings an inner bliss and sense of pride to bring your woman to a powerful orgasm.  And how do you feel when you cannot do this for whatever reasons? Not good, less than, wondering what else can you do to bring her joy and satisfaction?

Many women love their man and do not want to hurt their feelings. And yes, men do have fragile egos when it comes to their sexual prowess. Like it or not women need to walk on eggshells when talking to men about their sexual needs. So most women don't. They do not talk about their desires, fantasies or basic intimacy needs. They do without and close down till eventually they are not interested anymore because every time they make love with you they are left hanging, unsatisfied, unfulfilled but they make sure your needs are taken care of.  So this is the other side of the coin, gentlemen. 

How are you going to find out if your woman is a silent sufferer? If she is longing for greater intimacy and passion and is settling for less because she is afraid of losing you, the man she loves, by hurting your feelings with her truth.

The first thing you could do is actually arrange to have a quiet conversation outside the bedroom and separate from a love making session. Let her know you are prepared to get your feelings hurt. You  are an adult and can take care of yourself. She does not need to protect you from her truth. You need her truth so you can improve your skills and become a better lover for yourself and her.

You may need to lead the conversation since she is not use to this deep unveiling of her sexuality. Still not trusting what will happen if she speaks the unspeakable and how you will react.  If you are not sure ask her if she has orgasms during intercourse or does it just feel good?  What is her favorite way to have an orgasm; mouth, fingers, intercourse or vibrator?  How can you help her so every time you make love she is being fulfilled with orgastic and intimate pleasure?  

What type of orgasms does she have, vaginal, g-spot, g-spot ejaculations, clitoral? Does she have multiply orgasms or a single powerful release, and then she is done. Or thinks she is done due to lack of education.   When does she like to have an orgasm: at the beginning before intercourse during intercourse or after you have had yours then she wants a nice clitoral release. This could be like the cherry on the icing on top of the cake.  Woman can have 2-3 different types of orgasm in any one love making session let alone multiply orgasms. Do you know your woman?

If you have a woman who loves sex and you feel challenged to meet her needs communication is the first step to saving your relationship.