What Vaginas & Penises
Would Say to Each Other
By Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C.

I just performed, as one of the actresses, in the Vagina Monologue, a well-known theatre production. As an after thought I wondered what a Penis Monologue might sound like. I wondered what a Penis and Vagina conversation might sound like? Here are a few dialogues:

Penis, “Good morning honey, your skin is so soft."
Vagina, “ Good morning dear, you say that every morning, you better go pee and get rid of that thing.”

Penis, “I’m coming home for lunch today."
Vagina, “Do you want a snack or a full course meal?”

Penis, “Are you open for business yet!!?”
Vagina, “Not if you’re in a hurry.”

Do any of these dialogues sound familiar? What would your penis say if it could talk? Would it be telling the boys you had two touchdowns in one evening? Or the damn thing had a head of its own and would not listen to you. I liked her but he didn’t. Would your penis be glowing from the velvety glove you got to slip into or would your penis be grumbling because it once again got the rough hand treatment.

What about you ladies? What would your vaginas be talking about? He turned the lights on and looked at me “down there” for the longest time. He kept telling me how beautiful I was. I always thought I looked ugly; of course I never really did look at It. Or is your vagina saying, if he would just SLOW down, I like to be touched with silky things, smooth and wet things not dry fingers.

Have you considered Sex Ed. 101, Quodoushka.com, for a refresher workshop? Do your penis and vagina still look at each other with that same glow of wonder and mystery? Or, does your penis wear jockey shorts and an old t-shirt. Is your vagina safely tucked into baggy torn underwear inside a baggy pair of sweatpants?

When was the last time you aired them out? You know, hang penis and vagina on the clothesline to get some fresh air and sunshine? Have you ever given it some thought that babies are born nude and love to run around nude outside in the fresh air and they giggle a lot when they do this?

Here are some other possible dialogues:

Penis to Vagina “Headache again!” “I don’t care that the kids will hear.” “Our anniversary is coming soon?” “Pleased to meet you, my place or yours?” “Oh my God, my God, what, am I hurting you? “You make me feel like a man again.” “Boy, I needed that.”

Vagina to Penis: “Again, how many times do you want it?” “Oh no, I just started my period.” “Well come on in honey, the water is fine.” “Do you have to work late again?” “Is there something wrong with me?” “You look cold, let me warm you up.” Oh my god, oh my god just there, don’t stop, keep going, ohh, I lost it. What, you don’t mind; OK if you insist yes, yes take me over the top, oh yes!!! Wow, I had no idea how much I needed that."

I invite you to have a good heart to heart talk with your private parts. Are they happy? Are they getting the attention they desire? Have you locked the door and thrown away the key? What would it take to knock on the door and speak to your partner and yourself about the need for touch, intimacy, laughter, playfulness, passion in the middle of the day and in the bedroom? When are you going to start listening to the throbbing needs of your penis and vagina?

Ina Mlekush M.A. M.F.C.C., Sexual Solutions. Ina is a marriage/relationship counselor resolving sexual problems, in private practice dealing with issues of erectile dysfunction, early or delayed ejaculation, loss of sex drive, aging, and teaching female ejaculation and non-orgasmic solutions. Mature men and women, you do not need to be without honest intimate touching. Resolve doubt and sexual insecurity, erectile dysfunction, premature or delayed ejaculation.